Job

While on an LDS mission, my companion and I read the entire book of Job over a few morning study sessions. Up to that point , I didn't really know the story of Job. Since then, his story has stuck with me. Then this past Sunday, my wife and I taught our Primary class of 9 year-olds about Job.

Job was quite wealthy. He had "seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses." Even in today's industrial standards, that's a lot of livestock! And he had the servants to take care of all those animals and his household. That's quite an operation. Clearly, Job was a blessed man. Not only that, he was faithful to the Lord.

 

In the first few chapters of the book, God and Satan have an interesting discussion about Job. Satan claims that Job is faithful only because of his prosperity. So God allows Satan to try Job. Everything is taken away from Job, even his seven sons and three daughters die. And yet, Job remains faithful. Then Job gets boils which are an infection of hair follicles "resulting in a painful swollen area on the skin caused by an accumulation of pus and dead tissue." (http://en.wikipedia.org/Boils).  That sounds painful.  And Job had them all over his body!  And yet, Job remains faithful to the Lord.  Then his friends turn on him and tell him is afflictions are his fault.  With nobody to support him, with nothing to his name, Job still remains faithful to the Lord.

Continuing the lesson, I shared Joseph Smith's experience in Liberty Jail. He was feeling depressed and alone. This was his answer:

 7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

 10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job. (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-10)

As I read those scriptures to the class, I choked up and had trouble keeping my composure.  I testify that God is always with us.  He is very aware of our struggles and of the storms in our lives.  No matter how difficult gender dysphoria gets, I know it's nowhere near what Job experienced.  It's nowhere near what our Savior experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane as he took upon himself the sins and sorrows of the entire world.  As the perfect example of empathy, He knows exactly how I feel when the GD is flaring, because He felt it.  I know God lives and that Christ is our Savior.  If we but stay faithful as Job, we will be blessed beyond measure; if not in this life then in the next.

Like a Lizard - Autotomy

I've been having a lot of attacks in my sleep lately, severe ones. In my semi-conscious brain, it's as if I could pull off my "male member" just as a lizard sheds its tail to protect itself in a process called autotomy. The word autotomy comes from Greek for "self severing", or self amputation. That's pretty much what I'm trying to do in my sleep, just rip it off and hope that it doesn't grow back as a lizard's does.

I thought that only lizards had this capability, but according to Wikipedia, "over 200 species of invertebrates are capable of using autotomy." That's amazing!  There are even two species of mice capable of autotomy - they release skin (including "hair follicles, sweat glands, fur and cartilage") and grow it all back.

In lizards, it's called caudal autotomy. So in my case, would it be called penile autotomy?

Here's a video discussing the red-tailed vanzosaur.

I also found this article that talks about a "simultaneous hermaphrodite" species that autotomizes its penis after copulation.

Memories Growing Up

Sister on mission talking about lipstick and makeup. Wearing lipstick covers lips so they don't get any sun and therefore get lighter and require lipstick for some color.

A friend, H, in elementary told me I looked like a girl because my shirt was hanging off my shoulder. (My shirt was too big as well.)

I played with the girls in school. My friends were girls. I really liked Melissa in first grade.

I wanted to play with dolls but stayed away from them because I was a boy, and boys don't play with dolls.

While at a family reunion campout, my cousin, C had some girl issue. I think she had her period for the first time. It was all hush-hush. Nobody would tell me what was going on. I was about 12.

Throughout High School, I talked with the girls and longed to be in their circles, to giggle with them, hear their stories, cry with them, etc.

Work - Skirts, Blouses, and Heels

About a month ago, when I was told to "Pick One", I started taking two sets of clothes to work. One pair to use after I showered and the other before I walked into my office's building. It was too much, having to change in the porta-potty. So on the Friday before Labor Day, when hardly anybody was going to be at the office, I just kept my skirt and blouse on all day. It was so liberating! I wasn't hiding anymore. The next week, I continued, at first wearing just slacks and a blouse. Then I wore my long skirt. After about a week, my immediate supervisor called me into her office. She (and others) had noticed that my clothing had changed "a little". So we talked about it for a while, she offered her support. It was great. A few days later, both she and her supervisor talked to me together. They had talked to the human resource folks and wanted to again offer their support and figure out how I wanted things to progress. WOW! That was absolutely not the reaction I was expecting. I told them that it was something I've been working on for a few years, that I had even been on hormones and was considering surgery.

I suppose that they sent an email out to everyone else in the office. I had told them I prefer female pronouns. Coworkers have been very accommodating and supportive, using female pronouns. It's so nice to be called ma'am. One coworker is even trying to get me some clothes from a friend of hers. We're working on the bathroom issue; I'm still using the men's. At the time, I thought I'd be okay using the men's bathroom. But now that I'm full time, it's a little awkward. When I met with both supervisors, they just asked that I give them prior notice before switching, that it's up to what I want. So I just need to talk to them again.

I feel so much more accepted, so much more comfortable at work now. My productivity has rocketed through the roof. Instead of wasting days surfing the 'net and writing posts (like I am doing now ;) ), I'm actually getting work done. I even volunteered to be the fitness program coordinator. And I'll be teaching a series of courses on Excel to coworkers. My supervisors and others in the office noticed my Excel proficiency. It's nice that I'm being noticed for positive instead of always negative. The first two years at this job, it seemed like my supervisors were calling me to their office about every week for something I had or hadn't done. It was a frustrating time - the reason I applied and interviewed for a bunch of other positions.

The first couple weeks, I scrambled to get enough clothes. I had only a couple blouses, a couple skirts, and one dress. I was using my wife's flats since I didn't have any shoes of my own. Then (with her consent), I started switching the flats with a pair of her heels. Eventually I got my own heels but could use a couple more pairs of my own shoes. Prior to wearing heels, I thought women were crazy for wearing such awkward and dangerous foot apparel. But oh my! I would wear heels every day if I could! Now I have a couple more skirts, another pair of slacks, and a few more blouses. I still need more clothes (I bought almost everything at a thrift store) and definitely more dresses!

So what's next? Surgery? Out at Church? Out to Family? I really don't know. But for know, this feels what I'm supposed to do. This feels right.

Pick One

I run or ride my bike to work every day. There's a gym right next to my office that I use to clean up. There are two locker rooms and a unisex/handicapped bathroom with shower. I always use the unisex shower but sometimes have to use one of the other two (Men's or Women's). A couple weeks ago, the unisex was occupied. Running late, I decided to use one of the two regular locker rooms. Since I had a shirt and tie in my bag with men's slacks and dress shoes, I used the men's locker room. I tried my hardest to avoid eye contact and just keep to myself. But there's this guy that is always at the gym, just sitting around, wasting time. He made eye contact with me inside the locker room. Not thinking much of it but with my heart rate slightly elevated, I quickly showered (individual stalls with curtains), and put on my clothes in a toilet stall instead of out in the open for everyone to see.  The next day, the unisex bathroom was again occupied. Again, I was running late and couldn't wait for the occupant to finish. But this day, I had female slacks and a definitely female blouse in my bag to change into. So, hoping nobody would notice, I headed to the women's locker room and did pretty much the same thing as the day before. As I was headed to the bathroom stall to put on clothes (with a towel covering my front), the manager of the gym walked past and greeted me. I finished changing and left the locker room. Headed to the exit, the manager stopped me in the middle of the basketball court (thankfully nobody else was in the gym). She had received complaints that I had been seen entering the men's locker room on the first day and the other locker room on the second day. One person's face immediately came to mind: lazy guy. My heart was racing, and I dared not say anything, I dared not betray myself with my very male-timbre/pitched voice. But she wasn't confrontational and asked me to just pick one of the locker rooms and stick with it. Fine with me! I pick women's! 'Cause that's where I belong anyway!

I Can Do Hard Things

I ran a 100-mile race. I ran the Boston marathon and finished in the top 3%. I went through a difficult divorce. I am a parent of two beautiful boys, one of which is nonverbal autistic. I have gender dysphoria. I do all this hard stuff and yet, I believed anybody could all of it and more. What makes me so special? The 100 miler wasn't a huge monumental task but rather, it was just a bit of fun (and craziness some think). So when a friend posted the picture above and this talk on Facebook, it got me thinking. It got me believing in myself.

I have a Honda Fit. I love the car. I love it so much that I slept in it for a few months after the divorce while I was trying to get back on my feet. I've had it for 2 1/2 years. Previously I had a small Toyota that consistently got 43 miles per gallon and never needed work done on it except preventative maintenance that I performed myself. The Fit wasn't quite as economical and has had a little trouble ever since I got it. I first noticed that it would stall when I would put it into neutral after being in fifth gear while the car was still warming up or soon after the cold-engine light had gone off. Not worried too much about it, I did a little research but couldn't figure out what was wrong. The car ran well otherwise and got almost 40 miles per gallon. But over the last year the mpg has decreased even more and the stalling got worse. It would stall even if the car had been sufficiently warm and been running for a while. So I googled some more, did more research. I was pretty sure that the engine valves needed adjusting. Financially, we couldn't afford to have a mechanic do it. So I did the next logical thing, I looked for youtube videos. None were on my particular car, but were very helpful. I found diagrams for my car and studied them. Then after a few weeks of intense research and a search for courage, I bought those gap feelers and proceeded to dismantle the engine to get to the valves.

Up until then, my experience with cars had been oil changes, spark plug replacements, brake jobs, and checking other fluids. I had never considered attempting something so advanced and was scared to do so. But after only a couple hours, I had the valve clearances corrected and the engine all back together. And taking it for a test drive, it didn't stall as I coasted to the light. The RPMs didn't even drop down but remained steady.

In the end, something I thought would be super hard wasn't really that difficult. And I learned that I CAN do HARD things. Before my 100-mile race, I was nervous. I had a huge task ahead of me, but I never doubted I'd be able to finish. I took it one step at a time. I disassembled the engine manifold and reassembled everything one step, one screw at a time. I know that as we "labour and are heavy laden" and take his yoke upon us by following him and learning of him we will accomplish hard things, great things, even if it is one step at a time. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Day 28 - Dailies

28) What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don't do it

There are a few things I do on a regular basis. I first started doing these when I started therapy; I just felt I needed these daily tasks to make definitive progress toward recovery. A few months later when I started group therapy, I realized I was already doing "dailies" that our therapist recommended. I started individual therapy in early 2010. In April of that year I attended Wood Badge, a leadership training course for adult leaders in the Boy Scouts of America. That first weekend I brought a notebook and my scriptures along with me. Since my mission both my journal and scripture study were hit and miss. Since that weekend, I have read scriptures and written in my journal nearly every day, missing only a few days per year. Writing in my journal is a type of creative outlet and gives me time to meditate and ponder life, the universe, and everything.

Also as a part of Wood Badge, we set 5 or more goals to complete the course and get our beading award. We had to finish our goals within 18 months to complete our ticket. Some were scouting related and one was a personal goal. For my personal goal, I resolved myself to run a 10 km race under 45 minutes. I knew that I could easily run that fast - if I trained for it. In high school, my fastest 10 km was about 36 minutes. Since my mission I had run about 3 races but hadn't finished under 45 minutes. I knew it would be hard but that I could do it. So I started back into running. There was a field near our house. Running around it, gave me just over two miles. For the first few months, the most I ran was about 15 miles per week. Then, I went to Monterey, CA for work one week. I brought along my bag of female clothing and my running stuff. My longest run in my entire life was about 8 miles, and that was during high school and took about two hours. But during that week in Monterey, I ran 10 miles along the beach a couple times. I couldn't get enough of it; I had to force myself to turn around. Not long after that, I started running with a friend from group therapy. He talked about his marathon running, how he had qualified for Boston and was planning to run it the next year. Our first run together was about 14 miles. I nearly died. I was hooked, and running long distances had become one of my dailies. To finish my goal, the city I lived in had a series of 10 km races. It took me 4 attempts before I ran under 45 minutes. Since then, I've learned how much I need to run on a regular basis. My mood is definitely better on the days I've had a nice run.

Early on, I decided to never run on Sunday. It is a day to worship God. It is true that many of my runs I have felt closer to God than during any sermon at Church. Running in the outdoors, enjoying God's creations is very spiritual for me. But even then, Sunday should be a day of rest from worldly cares and worries, a day to focus on our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There are so many races and training runs that are on Sunday. Sometimes I feel torn. Thankfully, there have been plenty of races on Saturday. For my 100-miler that started early Saturday morning, I did run on Sunday and missed Church. I guess I'll have to run faster next year so that I finish before midnight on Saturday.

I've noticed one other thing that keeps me in check every day. Currently, I'm on 2 mg of estradiol and 50 mg of spironolactone (an anti-androgen). I'm not the best at taking my medicine on a regular basis. I've noticed that when I take my medicine late or completely forget it, that I'm more irritable, angry, depressed, sad, etc. When I started back on hormones, I realized how moody (mainly angry) I was without the hormones. The attacks nearly stopped after the hormones were back in my system, and I slept better.

So in summary, my dailies are:

• Study scriptures
• Write in journal
• Run (4-6 times per week)
• Take medicine (estrogen and spironolactone)

Day 27 - Goals

27) What goals do you have?

Still trying to finish the 30-day challenge. Here's day 27, similar to an earlier post about goals.

• Pay off student loans
• Save up for SRS
• Run and finish the Grand Slam of Ultrarunning
• Run at least two 100-mile races per year
• Get a new job within a year
• Take a cooking class
• Come out to more people

Right now, I'm feeling adrift. I don't know where I'm going. What's next? I'm happily married, bought a house a few months ago, ran my first 100-miler, etc. So, now what? What am I supposed to do next. Maybe it's not about "supposed to" but about what I want to do. Even then though, my mind is still blank. Just stay the course I guess. Continue running. Work on my emotional health. Spend time with family. Work towards SRS.

Goals

My mom and stepdad visited us this past weekend. I'm still not out to them, but I'm sure they have their suspicions with my long hair, blue-painted fingernails, and women's jeans. After Church on Sunday, she asked what my goals and our goals were. In the moment, a few things came to mind: get sealed, pay off student loans, credit cards, and car loan, get custody of both boys, save up for and get SRS. All I answered was that we are working on paying off my wife's credit card that maxed out while she was in college. Since then, I've been thinking of other possible goals listed below (in no particular order).

• Run The Grand Slam of Ultrarunning™.  This series of races includes four of the oldest 100-milers in the US. The Old Dominion 100 Mile Cross Country Run used to be an alternate to the Vermont 100. I'd like to run it as well even though it's not a part of the Slam.
• the Western States 100-Mile Endurance Run held the last weekend of June in California
• the Vermont 100 Endurance Run in late July
• the Leadville Trail 100 Run in the Rockies of Coloroado in mid-August
• and the Wasatch Front 100 Mile Endurance Run in early September
• Run the Barkley Marathons - 100 miles of difficult bush-whacking, hill climbing, compass-navigating and more in the hills of Tennessee near Frozen Head State Park.
• Get sealed to my wife in the temple, a special place where sacred ordinances are performed by those with authority from God.
• Coneive a child with my wife
• Earn another degree or two. Bachelor's, Master's, or maybe even a PhD. My BA and MS are both in Mathematics. Getting a Master's or PhD in Statistics would greatly enhance my resume.
• Retire
• Teach at a college or university, before or during retirement
• Buy a cottage in eastern Europe
• Find peace with my gender dysphoria, whether that includes full SRS, hormones for the rest of my life or some other form of treatment.

While none of those goals are SMART, they do give me direction and an idea where I'm headed.

MMT

Since December when I got into my first 100-mile race, I've been training a lot, running 80-90 miles per week for three weeks and a rest week of about 50-60 miles. All that hard work paid off this last weekend at the Massanutten Mountain Trails 100 Mile Run (MMT). The course is pretty brutal with about 18,000 feet of ascent (and descent) but the views are well worth it. The race webpage gives a nice summary of the course:

The MMT is a challenging 100 mile trail ultra over a demanding, rocky course in the Massanutten Mountains of Virginia's Shenandoah Valley. The course includes short but rugged mountain climbs that total over 18,000 feet. While the May date usually avoids Virginia's brutal summer weather, we have had rain and violent storms in prior years. The event is noted for its well-stocked, friendly aid stations and good course marking.

This course adds another element of difficulty: lots of rocks. Rocks of all sizes. Loose rocks, gravel, moss-covered rocks, muddy rocks, sharp rocks, smooth rocks, wet rocks, and even invisible rocks. Thus it is very technical in comparison to other 100-mile races. In addition, Mother Nature decided to dump 3 inches of water in the area just the day prior. The rain and overflowing streams further added to the difficulty. Even the start and finish lines had to be adjusted to account for all the extra water in the area. Mud and water was everywhere. Streams were overflowing. The trail was often a new stream. I used 4 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes, and probably should have used more. And for the record, it's actually 103.7 miles.

Update, considering surgery

I've been off of hormones for over three months. It's been terrible. The physical attacks have become more severe and frequent than ever before. I've noticed changes in my body as testosterone levels have increased that I didn't notice the other way. My body and facial hair have increased. Erections are way too frequent and trigger the dysphoria like nothing else. I'm still tired all the time. The only positive I've seen is that my running has drastically improved - I ran a marathon in under three hours! My leg muscles are well-defined. I've lost a few pounds, and my abs are flat.

A couple weeks ago, our new Stake President and our Bishop met with us at our new home. The Stake President has been trying to get to know all the members, and our Bishop thought it would be a good opportunity for us. Honestly, I think it was because he didn't have the guts to tell us himself that no, we can't get sealed. We've been married for almost a year and were working real hard to get sealed on our anniversary. When we first started talking about marriage and got engaged, the singles' ward Bishop helped me write a sealing clearance letter to Church leadership. At that point, he and the previous Stake President thought it prudent to wait for the sealing since I had been sober from my addiction for only three months. They knew I was taking hormones and wearing female clothing and had no problem with it. Fast forward a year to a new Bishop and a new Stake President, and it's like my year and a half of sobriety means nothing, that the addiction wasn't ever an issue, but that the hormones and clothing is.  Still without telling us "No", they told us I need more stability, that I'm too close to the line. I told them surgery has never been an option. That didn't matter, I'm changing my body with hormones which was too close to the line for them. They want me to be stable, but they won't let me treat my illness. It's like telling a diabetic to take care of their body but not use insulin to stay alive! Or telling an anemic to not take iron supplements. That it's just all in their head. They need to pray more and just be patient. It's ridiculous!

I knew that stopping hormone treatment would be difficult. But at the time, I felt it was right and that I needed to get off of them, if just for a while. I stopped taking hormones for a few reasons: pressure from the Bishop, to eventually be able to conceive with my wife, and to see if I could live without them. A friend recently shared about how they ended up in the emergency room to get medication for their depression. They were afraid of being on medication for the rest of their life. But a neighboring patient's mother assured my friend that being on medication for the rest of one's life is better than being depressed, suicidal, unhappy, and out of balance for the rest of one's possibly (and probably) shortened life.

After the Bishop and Stake President left, I was angry. It took a couple days to calm down and sort things out. Throughout my life, I've let others make decisions for me. I worry so much about what others think. But what about me? What do I want? What do I need? What is right for ME? So I've been praying and pondering it all. The Spirit told me over a year ago to start a hormone regimen and to wait. I did so. I continue to wait and seek for further guidance. I know that my wife and I will be sealed some day. I know we will be with each other for eternity. I feel this and know it whether or not I continue transition or even if I transition fully with SRS. Yes, I know marriage is between a man and a woman, that gender is eternal, but somehow we will be together even if I become a woman in this life through surgery.

I will follow what the Spirit tells me, not necessarily what other men tell me. I've learned what it's like not being on hormones and have accepted that I will need them for the rest of my life. The third reason for stopping hormones still needs resolution. A baby. A while ago, I asked in desperate prayer why I even have a penis. The answer came immediately: to conceive my two sons and any other children with my wife. Only through my sperm could these wonderful spirit children receive physical bodies. So the questions are, how many (more) children do we want and when? I want and need to get back on hormones as soon as possible. But the longer I'm on hormones, the more likely it is that I'll be permanently sterile. I think that currently I am fertile enough to conceive but am afraid that when I continue hormones, I won't be able to get back to being fertile.

This weekend, I am running my first 100-mile race. After that I plan to start hormones. Neither my wife nor I are comfortable with sperm-banking. So when we feel the time is right and we're ready, I'll stop taking hormones for a while until we do get pregnant.

Last night I told my wife that I'm pretty sure full transition is part of my path. I'll still be her husband, still love her. Nothing will change that.

Boston

This past weekend we drove to Boston for the marathon. It was a LONG drive. I'm grateful to be back home after spending days in the car. I have not really trained for the marathon distance, keeping my sights set on my first 100-miler in May. But I did quite well. I improved my PR/PB by 8 minutes and qualified again for next year. It's fun to tell people that this was only my second marathon, and that I didn't qualify for Boston with my other/first marathon. I actually qualified when I ran my second 50k race which was certified as a Boston qualifier, and supplied split times for the 26.2 mile mark.

For the last two months I have not been taking any hormones. The only medicine I have taken is an occasional half-pill of clonazapem to help with the anxiety. So I attribute most of my improvement to the surge of testosterone since I stopped taking spironolactone and estradiol.  I don't think it's fair if I were to run as a woman, even if I were post-op. And if I did, I'm sure I'd end up drawing more attention to myself than normal. It's hard enough struggling with GID - I don't want the hassle of being singled out as the fast transwoman too. I would have been in the top 100 at Boston if I had run as a woman - too fast to not get noticed.

I've been debating running a marathon as a woman, so I can start running Boston as a woman. Maybe when I get back on hormones and my secondary female characteristics reemerge stronger than their current state after two months of entropy.

Day 23 - Stereotypes

23) What stereotypes are put on trans people

Freaks, perverts, crazy, fetishists. All negative.

Day 22 - Careers and Trans

22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice

So far it hasn't. Since I'm not out, being trans hasn't really affected my job. I do wonder how many of my coworkers have suspicions. Having long curly hair isn't exactly a giveaway, but since I often paint my nails or wear a little makeup, they must have suspected something.

Even if I were out, I don't suspect I'd have to change my career choice or anything. I'm still a nerd that loves math, science, and technology. And working in the industry that I do, it's more about the product than the presentation that matters.

Day 21 - Cis-gendered Community

21) Your views on the cis-gendered community

I'm jealous. To not have to worry about something so crucial, so much a part of a person, is a great blessing. To know one's own identity in life is vital to lasting joy. So how do I get there? What bliss they must live in, many completely ignorant of the struggle we deal with on a daily or even hourly basis.

I used to be homophobic. I was ignorant and prejudiced. Now that I have let down my guard, gotten to know some people that struggle with SSA, I understand a little better. As I've let go of my premonitions, I've grown in empathy not only for those in the LGBT community but for everyone different from me. I hope those in the cis-gendered community have the same opportunity to reach out to and understand others, especially us transgender folk.

Idiot Drivers

I've been pondering this post for a few days, ever since my run Saturday night. I've also debated the title of the post, either "Idiot Drivers", "Safety and Running", or "Why I Avoid Roads and Stick to Trails". I chose the former since it's more sensational and truly expresses how I feel.

I was out for my second run on Saturday. In the morning, I had run 16 miles at a decent pace, 7:30/mile. But to reach my goal of 85 miles for the week, I went on a second run, late Saturday evening. Since it was dark, I donned my white shirt, reflective vest, and headlamp. I wasn't expecting to run very fast thinking my legs were tired from the long week and also from the morning's run. My legs were fine; I turned around with about a 8 min/mile pace at one hour, 15 minutes. Sometimes I limit my runs based on distance, sometimes on the amount of time I had. For this run, I had only 2 1/2 hours. I was feeling pretty good, so I picked up the pace.

With just over a couple miles left, I was running up this long hill. It was a semi-busy road, but had a dedicated bike and pedestrian lane. With my reflective vest and white shirt, cars could easily see me from behind with plenty of time to react. So here I am, chugging up this hill, trying to keep my pace consistent while also keeping my heart rate down when a car blasts his horn at me. Not once, but twice!  Then as he passes me on the right to turn right (since there's a turning lane to turn right, and the bike lane continues between the "straight" lane and turning lane), he has his window rolled down and yells something at me. Already completely startled, frightened and hence in fight or flight, I give him the double-bird and maybe curse at him. Not at all Christlike, I admit. But anyone that honks their horn at me, gets a minimum single bird. This guy deserved the double. So as a warning to all idiot drivers, DON'T HONK your horn at me! Horn means danger, and I'll react as such. And don't flash your brights if I'm running towards you. I really need to be able to see the ground and other obstacles in front of me. If you want to say hi or cheer me on, then please slow down, roll down your window and offer appropriate words of encouragement. But please, don't honk your horn unless I am in danger, probably because you aren't paying attention and failed to see me with my bright headlamp and reflective clothing. Right after this incident, still going up the hill and before the first car finished turning, a second car decided to join the honk-fest. Bird for you too mister!

Needless to say, my heart rate averaged a lot higher on that hill than I was planning, above 170 bpm. And not to be stereotypical, not too much anyway, I've noticed that jerks that feel it's necessary to honk at me or flash their brights in my eyes are usually aggressive male drivers in big trucks. Big trucks for their big egos and lack of consideration for others.

Hormones and Running

A couple weeks ago, as I was out running, I was pondering things. My Bishop has been encouraging me to work on stopping hormones. I think I resented him at first; he simply doesn't understand why I am taking them. He sees it as a step towards surgery, that it's basically the same thing since I'm transforming my body. So, anyway, I was out running. Here's what I wrote in my journal that night:

I didn't run very far this morning, just a short 1-hour run. But it was very good for my mental health; it was very therapeutic. I thought a lot about the 100-mile race in May and how to prepare (I'm nervous and very worried about the technicality and extreme difficulty of the race.) I also thought a lot about Grace, hormones, God, our Bishop, etc. In the past, whenever I prayed about taking hormones, I felt that it was temporary, that someday I would stop taking hormones and wouldn't need them. On my run, I came to the conclusion that that time is drawing nigh. At first I thought I'd stop right away so that my training could benefit all the more. Then I realized I should slowly taper it instead of trying to go it "cold-turkey". I'm very worried how I'll react, how my psyche and my emotions will handle the increased testosterone levels. Just the last 6-7 weeks of taking finasteride instead of spironolactone were very difficult. (My testosterone levels jumped up and my estrogen dropped). How will I be able stop taking all of the medication, estrogen and anti-androgens? I do have much support from my wife. And starting next month, I'll be seeing a psychiatrist. I hope I get the right anti-depressant meds this time, that I can get balanced chemically. Somehow we'll all get through it.

After my run that day, I told my wife of my plans. As always, she expressed her love and never-ending support. I also realized that it had been exactly one year since I had started taking hormones again, this time with regular lab work and a prescription. From 2009-2011, I had taken estrogen and spironolactone off and on, with pills I had ordered from the Internet. During 2012, I took none to try and save my marriage. I'm scared 2014 will be like 2012, full of depression and feelings of being lost. The year was awful. I tried so hard to suppress and eliminate or annihilate my feminine side and to be masculine for my now ex-wife. My plan this time around is to embrace all of me, especially Grace. I will continue attending transgender group support meetings, seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, running a lot, praying, searching my soul, reading everything I can, and wearing whatever clothing I want - male, female, or androgynous. I will just be me: girly, frilly, nerdy, caring, emotional, fatherly, motherly, loving, etc.

Day 20 - To Parent or not to Parent

20) Do you want to be a parent why or why not?

I'm already a father. I have two wonderful boys. The oldest(6 1/2 years old) is autistic. He is nonverbal and high-functioning. His younger brother is almost 4 years old. I love them both a lot. They are a main reason I have kept myself alive. I live for them.

My wife and I want to have another child, one of our own. Since I am on hormones and spironolactone, I'm pretty much sterile at the moment. We're hoping that once I stop taking the pills, that we'll be able to conceive. We've talked about it a lot. Hopefully I am still able.

My greatest desire, though, is to be able to carry and bear a child myself. Science is getting closer everyday, but to transplant a uterus into a non-cis woman is a far ways off both politically and technically.  For now, I am content with being able to nurse our baby.

Lab results

I got my lab results back from the blood drawn on Monday. For the last month and a half, I was on Finasteride and 4 mg Estrace. Before that I was taking 100 mg Spironolactone per day instead of the Finasteride. I could definitely feel a difference, and the lab results verified it. I could tell that my testosterone was higher for a couple reasons: my running was improving (I was running a bit faster) and the dysphoria seemed to be raging. I also felt a lot more anger. So in talking with my endo, we decided to go back on the spiro for the next few months. My testosterone was 124 (5 times higher than before) and estrogen was halved to 70.

Back in October, my lab results indicated a high amount of AST. It was twice as high as the highest it should be and about more than three times higher than it normally is for me. But the ALT measurement was within normal, healthy range. AST and ALT are indicators of liver health (see Apartate Transaminase on Wikipedia). But AST is also present in cardiac and skeletal muscle, the kidneys, brain, and red blood cells. ALT is found in those other types of tissue but not significantly. ALT is focused mainly on the liver. The endo was worried about my liver and suggested that maybe I had drunk some alcohol the night before causing the spike. I did the research and found that the AST sometimes spikes after intense exercise. My blood was drawn Monday morning, a couple days after I ran the Ragnar relay. I remember still hurting a week after since I ran hard and covered for another runner that had dropped off of our team. So for now, I attribute the elevated AST to the weekend of fun with fellow Ragnar teammates. I'm glad that the AST result with the latest draw is back to normal.

Day 19 - Religion

19) If you're religious how do your views affect being trans? If you're not religious, what about your family's religion(s)?

I was born into an LDS(Mormon) family. I was one of six kids - five boys and one girl; kind of. We attended services almost every Sunday, even going while on vacation. I was about 10 years old when I first learned about the ability of surgeons to transform a male body into a female one. Even then, I was more than just curious. I yearned for it. But that was not appropriate and frowned upon. The Church teaches that "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." So I didn't think about the feelings I had felt. I stashed them away, because I had a penis and was a boy. I stuffed them aside.

The church also has some rules on transsexual surgery. One of them says that elective transsexual surgery may be cause for disciplinary action (excommunication). Another rule is that anyone who has had a transsexual surgery may not hold a temple recommend. A temple recommend allows the holder to enter the temple. Temples are special buildings that have their history back to Adam. Sacrifices and other cermonies were performed in the temple. Moses had a type of temporary temple that the children of Israel carried with them through the wilderness. So today, we make special, sacred covenants with God in the temple. Being in the temple is about as close to being in Heaven with our Heavenly Father while still being here on the Earth.

Being a member of this church has brought me a lot of joy, comfort, support, peace, friendship, and spiritual growth. I know it is God's church. I know it is led by a prophet of God. The principles it teaches are true and from God. Some members that have similar feelings to me or members that have same-sex attraction have struggled with the Church. For some reason, I have stayed close to the Church and tried following the counsel of leaders as best I can. Throughout the past few years, it has been Christ, his teachings and the teachings of the Church that have brought me through to the other side. It has been difficult as local leaders have asked different things from me. One saw how much the hormones have given me balance and helped align my brain chemistry. Another one just couldn't understand why I even had these feelings and that I should ignore them. Another one thinks taking hormones is similar to the surgery and could warrant discipline. Official rules aren't very clear and so it's up to local leaders to interpret them. I do know that whenever I pray about taking hormones, the answer I receive is to continue taking them.

Day 18 - Trans laws

18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live

I'm ashamed since I'm not very familiar with the laws in the state I reside in. I do know that employers can dismiss an employee for being transgender and get away with it. Last year, I went to the Keystone Conference in Pennsylvania. The keynote speaker talked about legislation that various groups are pushing at federal and state levels. A lot of the legislation is to get health services covered. My insurance used to deny any health service, even psychotherapy visits, that had a diagnosis treatment code anything related to being transgender. My therapist at the time instead changed the treatment code to one treating PTSD(Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Now the insurance company has eased back a little and covers even hormones. One thing they don't cover is any of the surgeries - I'm told that is in the works. I'm not concerned about losing my job. My job is pretty secure. Even if I did come out at work, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be fired. As for surgeries. Sure it would be nice to have that covered in case I got to that point that it was necessary. Right now though, my path is to not get surgery. As much as I want it, it's just not in my future.