Day 17 - Binding

17) What's your binding choice and why

I don't bind. My therapist asked if I did to show my budding breasts. Not because she thought I was on the small side but because she worried I was showing too much and would be figured out at work. Binding isn't for me. If people find out, fine. I also don't tuck. I think both are ways of hiding. I'm done hiding.

Day 16 - Rock Anthem

16) What's your rock anthem and why

I'm not much of a music person. As a runner, I really like "Eye of the Tiger" and "Chariots of Fire". Those two songs get me fired up for runs. But I don't listen to music on runs; I'd rather have my thoughts and sounds of nature than try to listen to music on my runs!

Music is indeed powerful. I took an art appreciation class as a freshman in college to fulfill a general education requirement. The professor focused on music and read this poem to us at the end of the course, changing "Art" to "Music".

I AM MUSIC
Servant and Master am I; Servant of those dead and
Master of those living.
Through me, spirits of immortals speak the message
that makes the world weep and laugh, and
wonder and worship.
I tell the story of love, the story of hate, the story
that saves, and the story that damns.
I am the incense upon which prayers float to Heaven.
I am the smoke which palls over the field of
battle where men are dying with me on their lips.

I am close to the marriage altar, and when the graves
open, I stand nearby.

I call the wanderer home, I rescue the soul from the
depths, I open the lips of the lovers, and through
the dead, whisper to the living.
One I serve as I serve all, and the king I make my
slave as easily as I subject his slave
I speak through the birds of the air, the insects of
the fields, the crash of water on rock-ribbed
shores I am even heard by the soul that knows me in the
clatter of wheels on city streets.
I know no brother, yet all men are my brothers:
I am the father of the best that is in them,
and they are the father of the best that is in me.

I am the instrument of God. I AM MUSIC.

There are many songs, mostly hymns that inspire me. Some remind me of good times, of hard times, of emotional times. A year ago, I was really into Cristina Perri and Adele. I also like Plain White T's, Josh Groban, Depeche Mode, U2, Journey and others. But give me some good classical music over pop music any day! Bach's "Jesu Meine Freude" tops the list.

Day 15 - Embrace Trans Identity

15) How have you embraced your trans identity?

I'm not afraid anymore to be trans. I grew up with the idea that being transgender was bad, or to have feelings of same-sex attraction was not natural and couldn't be from God. After a couple years of intense behavioral therapy and addiction recovery, my view softened. I started embracing all parts of me.

But how do I embrace my trans identity? I'm not afraid if someone finds out. I haven't told anyone but close family. Even if other family members or coworkers found out, I'd be okay with that. I'm sure some people suspect, but nobody has confronted me about it or asked about it.

Day 14 - Passing Tips

14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?

I dress simply trying not to overdress. Too much makeup just draws more attention. It's important to get rid of facial hair early on.

Day 13 – Bathrooms

13) Bathrooms

I prefer to use unisex bathrooms. But they aren’t always available. When they aren’t available I stick to using the women’s bathroom when I am wearing explicitly female clothing.  When I am wearing a shirt and tie or other “male” clothing, I stick to the men’s room. But when I’m in between, I struggle to know which to use. I prefer the women’s bathroom - 9 times out of ten it’s a lot cleaner. At the theatre the other night, a man called out to me, “That’s the men’s room” even though I wasn’t en femme at all. So maybe I’m to the point where I have to use the women’s room just because I pass without trying.

Day 12 – Mental and physical health

12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

The previous post pretty much sums up how I stay healthy. The biggest one is running. I can tell from my mental health how much I’ve been running recently. The less frequently I run, the more severe the depression gets. Food is another huge component of my health. The more junk and processed foods I eat the worse I feel. Diet and exercise affect every aspect, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Besides Church rules regarding transition, I think the shock and drastic change of a full-out surgery keep me from taking the plunge. I really don’t think my emotional and mental state could take the stresses from having surgery and becoming female full-time.

Day 11 - Management

11) How do you manage dysphoria?

Managing the dysphoria and coping with it has been very difficult, especially the last few months. There are a few things I do on a daily or almost-daily basis. I run, a lot. Running does so much for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. For 10 months now, I have been taking low doses of estrogen and spironolactone. I read scriptures.  Every night I write in my journal. Sometimes I write just a couple sentences, sometimes a few pages. I try to read from a leisure fiction book to exercise my imagination.  All of these “dailies” are a huge help, but sometimes not enough.

I go to group meetings every week that are moderated by a professional therapist. I used to have a therapist and a psychiatrist that I met with at least once per month. I’m looking for another therapist now as the last one just didn’t seem to be helping. Talking about my struggles and meeting others, learning what works and doesn’t work for them has been invaluable.

Stress-relieving exercises sometimes help. One I really like is called STAR, which stands for Stop, Take a breath, And Relax. I also like the human pretzel. I stretch my arms straight out in front of me, cross them, link my hands together, and fold my arms back in.

I’m slowly learning that keeping it in allows it to grow, exponentially. So when it’s just too much to bear, I talk about it with my wife. I cry. I let it out. I’ve also found that simply being with my kids and playing with them helps a ton. Tickle wars are the best.

Sometimes there’s nothing I can do except wait it out. The dysphoria is so extreme that I can barely function. I somehow manage to pull myself out of bed after a night of attacks and get up for the day. Feeling extremely dysphoric, I drag myself to work and get busy. I may be busy at work, but usually it’s not work-related. I read group messages, contact friends, surf the Internet. I try to escape, because it’s just too much.

Just surrendering it to God for a while gets me through the toughest of episodes. A prayer of gratitude and thanks for all He has done for me and a request for relief gets me through the worst times. Reciting the Serenity Prayer helps me surrender to God what I can’t handle. I hope that one day, I’ll look back on these times of extreme difficulty with a deep sense of relief and gratitude that I have overcome dysphoria. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely rid of GD whether I transition or not. I do believe and have faith that it gets better, that as I use these tools and others I’ll surf right through the roughest waves of dysphoria. Good things are coming, if I can just take each day, each minute if necessary, one at a time.

Day 10 - Fears

10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

I had a nightmare the other night that one of my brothers wanted to have sex with me. That was pretty scary. I'm scared of people thinking I'm a weak little creature they can take advantage of.


More to come later as I cogitate...

Day 9 - Something positive

9) What is something positive about being trans?

There are many things I find positive about being trans. Since embracing my GID/GD, I have become a much better person. I am more tolerant, slower to judge, happier, more loving and understanding. I listen to others more. I understand pain, trials, and tribulations and can better empathize. Personally, I have grown so much. Bouts of depression are less frequent and less severe.

And of course, there's the fun part of being trans. Weird looks from strangers. Confused looks from strangers. It's fun to watch people's reactions. It's fun to try on and wear new clothes. It's fun to go out as myself in public.

Day 8 - public perception

8) How do you deal with being read mis-gendered in the beginning of transitioning by people?

Since I'm not out to the public, this hasn't been a big deal. I love it, though, when I'm perceived as a woman. Especially when I'm not trying. This has happened a lot more frequently the past couple months. My hair is getting real long, my face has softened, my facial hair is almost all gone, and my chest shows with clothing that actually fits and isn't baggy. A waiter was thoroughly confused when he called us ladies seeing my long curly hair from behind. Then he saw my front and apologized. When I took off my jacket, he just gave up using any gender-specific pronouns at all. He got a big tip for being so kind. When I do go out as female, most people don't take any notice. Some give weird looks. Some stare. For now, I'm okay with whatever people see me as. But if the use female pronouns, I get a huge, broad smile on my face, especially inside.

Day 7 - My hero

7) Whom do you look up to?

I've struggled with this question in the past. In my experience, it's a common question asked of clients by therapists. Growing up, my hero was my oldest brother. He was strong, kind, did okay in school, and always seemed so sure of himself, so confident. From my mission, I look up to Steven, an investigator. I don't know why, but his story has stuck with me ever since we met. His son had committed suicide, and he was struggling to deal with it. Sure, he used alcohol and tobacco to cope with the pain, but I also saw him being vulnerable to nearly-complete strangers. He wasn't afraid to show his emotions.

I look up to a lot of the men and women (both cis- and trans-) that I've met along my journey in therapy groups. Some struggle with addiction, loss of job, failure of marriage or other such trials. And yet, they continue on. The trans- men and women in my current group are all a lot younger than I am, all still college-age. They are so confident and hopeful for the future. Even with my supposed wisdom of "old" age, I look up to them.

I look up to running greats, like Scott Jurek, Emil Zátopek, Bill Rodgers, Caballo Blanco (Micah True), Kathrine Switzer, Bobby Gibb, Timothy Olson, Ann Trason.  Timothy Olson overcame multiple addictions by running. Kathrine Switzer and Bobby Gibb challenged the belief that women couldn't run more than a couple miles by running the Boston and New York marathons. Emil's passions were his wife, running and his country. It's said that he trained by carrying his wife and wearing his boots from the army. He won the marathon at the 1952 Olympics in Helsinki, his first marathon ever after deciding at the last minute to run it. He had already won the gold in the 5 km and 10 km events and broke the Olympic record in all three. He gave one of his medals to a friend that had tried multiple times to get Olympic Gold but lucked out every time.

Here are some others:
First Lieutenant John J. Dunbar, Dances With Wolves
Captain Nathan Algren, The Last Samurai
John Nash, A Beautiful Mind
Elizabeth Bennett, Pride and Prejudice
Jane Austen
Ariel from The Little Mermaid

So, what is it that all these men and women have in common? I think a common theme is sorrow and overcoming great trials.

I came across this video from TED that got me thinking more about this question. He talks about the differences that media portrays of men and women. Male protagonists are usually portrayed as violent and aggressive to save the day while the women often do little. Contrast this with Dorothy from Wizard of Oz. She was a leader and overcame obstacles by befriending many. Male heroes accomplish the feat by themselves while women often help those alongside them to grow and overcome together. Think of Rapunzel in Tangled. Indiana Jones used friends but did it by himself. What message are we sending our children!

Day 6 - First Person I Told

6) Who was the first person you told about being trans
I don't know. My ex-wife was the first one to learn I was taking hormones and wearing female clothing. I told my therapist about it, but I hadn't accepted it myself. I was fighting it and thought I'd eventually put it all behind me. Not until I embraced who I am, accepted all parts of me, and tried loving all of me, did I start telling people. The first person I told was my current wife. After dating just a couple weeks, I told her everything. She was the first one I told everything after starting to embrace it instead of trying to hide it.

Day 5 - Trans Community Activity

5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community

Somewhat. There are a few groups in the area specifically for trans people. One has a monthly meeting and dinner/social afterwards. I try to go to that one, together with my wife. But it is hard getting a babysitter for Friday nights, late into the night. I also am part of a therapist-moderated group that discusses trans-related issues both for transwomen and transmen. It's been helpful to talk with others, even if they are all a lot younger than I am.

Day 4 - Out to Family

Today's question is "How did your family take it when you came out/ if you are not out why aren't you?"

I pretty much answered this in the previous post. I did tell my family once, but I told them I was working on overcoming it. My mom said, "I didn't know you had that problem." My little brother was the only other one who replied but didn't say anything about my trans background and gender identity, except maybe that he felt my pain and offered support.

My family doesn't talk about things. When two of my brothers started seeing a psychiatrist, I didn't know why. I still don't know - just that they struggled with depression. An older brother came home early from his mission, but twenty years later I still don't know why. When my mom caught me looking at porn on her computer, she only said "no more," and that was that. My mother is so stoic. I don't remember her ever wiping tears from her face. The only emotion I remember expressed by her was anger. We didn't express emotions very much, just hid them inside. Anyway, I'm scared to come out to them. I keep in touch, but never get any responses. I see them about once a year and call them all on their birthdays at a minimum. I figure they've already shut me out of their lives, they wouldn't react if I came out.

My wife, ex-wife, ex in-laws, dad and stepmother all know. I don't hide it from my sons and will tell them. My ex wants me to hide it, since our younger son asked if he could get his nails painted. He wanted to be like daddy. I am finished hiding and lying, especially from/to those I love the most. So I refused her request and openly wear female clothing in the home. All little boys want to wear fingernail polish at some point in their childhood, not just because their daddy does.

Day 3 - Have you been outed?

When my ex-wife and I were really struggling, I came out to my family both about my addiction and my GD. I told them that I'd been on hormones in the past. At the time, I thought I was done with it, that I could shut it out of my life forever. Fast forward a few years though; I've accepted and embraced that part of me, and I've never been happier. When my ex and I divorced, she told her whole family, even aunts, uncles, and cousins, about my transgender background. That really hurt. She didn't tell my friends. I'm still not out to the world and doubt I ever will be. But more and more, strangers greet me with feminine pronouns. The guards at the gate for work always use ma'am. A waiter came up behind me and asked what us ladies (my wife was across from me) wanted to drink. Seeing my face, though, he apologized for mistakenly calling me a woman. Then I took off my jacket revealing my chest and feminine clothing. Poor guy. He got a big tip that night from us. Once at a department store, the attendant almost let me in to help my wife try on some clothes because she thought I was a woman. So, no, I haven't really been outed. But if someone were to out me, or if someone discovered it, I am okay. I'm okay if the world finds out about me, about Grace. But I'm not the one ready to tell it to the world. I probably won't ever be, especially since I don't plan to completely transition.

Day 2 - My Name

2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why.

My name is Grace. When I first started coming out, I used a name similar to my birth name. It didn't feel right. I kept using it at meetings and appointments but felt uncomfortable with it. While my wife and I were first dating, she noticed I'm a little clumsy. She started calling me Grace. I didn't think anything of it, didn't even consider it as a name until one night. We were at a 12-step addiction meeting.  As we took turns reading, we learned about the grace of God. The definition of Grace fit perfectly. I remember we both looked at each other and, without even discussing it, decided that would be my name.

Day 1 of 30-Day Challenge - Realization

As part of Transgender Awareness Month, NorthStar LDS group is posting information about GD every day. Posts include blog posts, information about the diagnosis, the Church's stance on the issue, etc. Members of the trans identity group are contributing most of the material. One member in particular wrote a post as part of it. On her blog, she said she's doing the "30-day Challenge". I will do it too.

Day 1 is "When did you realize the term transgender referred to you?"

For so much of 2012, I denied these feelings and thought I could beat it out of myself. I first started going to a therapist in January 2010 as required by my wife at the time. At first, the therapy was to help with my addiction to lust manifest by pornography and compulsive masturbation.  Troy, my therapist asked me many times what I wanted. I remember one session during which we talked about being whole. There are lots of parts of me scattered throughout with varying desires and wants. His goal was "to help me become whole". Whether that meant transitioning or not. At the time, I thought there'd be no way I could even consider transition much less try it.  So we focused on the pornography and I tried keeping the cross-dressing to a minimum.

Then I slipped in June 2012. When I told my ex, she decided on divorce.  I threw everything away, clothes, pills, needles. Everything. But I kept having the same feelings. How I yearned to have a feminine body, to feel smooth, pretty, and feminine. I was tired of supressing who I truly was.  So in December, I got some clothes and wore them once in a while. I wore makeup while at her parents for Christmas which did not go over at all very well.