Day 6 - First Person I Told

6) Who was the first person you told about being trans
I don't know. My ex-wife was the first one to learn I was taking hormones and wearing female clothing. I told my therapist about it, but I hadn't accepted it myself. I was fighting it and thought I'd eventually put it all behind me. Not until I embraced who I am, accepted all parts of me, and tried loving all of me, did I start telling people. The first person I told was my current wife. After dating just a couple weeks, I told her everything. She was the first one I told everything after starting to embrace it instead of trying to hide it.

Day 5 - Trans Community Activity

5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community

Somewhat. There are a few groups in the area specifically for trans people. One has a monthly meeting and dinner/social afterwards. I try to go to that one, together with my wife. But it is hard getting a babysitter for Friday nights, late into the night. I also am part of a therapist-moderated group that discusses trans-related issues both for transwomen and transmen. It's been helpful to talk with others, even if they are all a lot younger than I am.

Day 4 - Out to Family

Today's question is "How did your family take it when you came out/ if you are not out why aren't you?"

I pretty much answered this in the previous post. I did tell my family once, but I told them I was working on overcoming it. My mom said, "I didn't know you had that problem." My little brother was the only other one who replied but didn't say anything about my trans background and gender identity, except maybe that he felt my pain and offered support.

My family doesn't talk about things. When two of my brothers started seeing a psychiatrist, I didn't know why. I still don't know - just that they struggled with depression. An older brother came home early from his mission, but twenty years later I still don't know why. When my mom caught me looking at porn on her computer, she only said "no more," and that was that. My mother is so stoic. I don't remember her ever wiping tears from her face. The only emotion I remember expressed by her was anger. We didn't express emotions very much, just hid them inside. Anyway, I'm scared to come out to them. I keep in touch, but never get any responses. I see them about once a year and call them all on their birthdays at a minimum. I figure they've already shut me out of their lives, they wouldn't react if I came out.

My wife, ex-wife, ex in-laws, dad and stepmother all know. I don't hide it from my sons and will tell them. My ex wants me to hide it, since our younger son asked if he could get his nails painted. He wanted to be like daddy. I am finished hiding and lying, especially from/to those I love the most. So I refused her request and openly wear female clothing in the home. All little boys want to wear fingernail polish at some point in their childhood, not just because their daddy does.

Day 3 - Have you been outed?

When my ex-wife and I were really struggling, I came out to my family both about my addiction and my GD. I told them that I'd been on hormones in the past. At the time, I thought I was done with it, that I could shut it out of my life forever. Fast forward a few years though; I've accepted and embraced that part of me, and I've never been happier. When my ex and I divorced, she told her whole family, even aunts, uncles, and cousins, about my transgender background. That really hurt. She didn't tell my friends. I'm still not out to the world and doubt I ever will be. But more and more, strangers greet me with feminine pronouns. The guards at the gate for work always use ma'am. A waiter came up behind me and asked what us ladies (my wife was across from me) wanted to drink. Seeing my face, though, he apologized for mistakenly calling me a woman. Then I took off my jacket revealing my chest and feminine clothing. Poor guy. He got a big tip that night from us. Once at a department store, the attendant almost let me in to help my wife try on some clothes because she thought I was a woman. So, no, I haven't really been outed. But if someone were to out me, or if someone discovered it, I am okay. I'm okay if the world finds out about me, about Grace. But I'm not the one ready to tell it to the world. I probably won't ever be, especially since I don't plan to completely transition.

Day 2 - My Name

2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why.

My name is Grace. When I first started coming out, I used a name similar to my birth name. It didn't feel right. I kept using it at meetings and appointments but felt uncomfortable with it. While my wife and I were first dating, she noticed I'm a little clumsy. She started calling me Grace. I didn't think anything of it, didn't even consider it as a name until one night. We were at a 12-step addiction meeting.  As we took turns reading, we learned about the grace of God. The definition of Grace fit perfectly. I remember we both looked at each other and, without even discussing it, decided that would be my name.

Day 1 of 30-Day Challenge - Realization

As part of Transgender Awareness Month, NorthStar LDS group is posting information about GD every day. Posts include blog posts, information about the diagnosis, the Church's stance on the issue, etc. Members of the trans identity group are contributing most of the material. One member in particular wrote a post as part of it. On her blog, she said she's doing the "30-day Challenge". I will do it too.

Day 1 is "When did you realize the term transgender referred to you?"

For so much of 2012, I denied these feelings and thought I could beat it out of myself. I first started going to a therapist in January 2010 as required by my wife at the time. At first, the therapy was to help with my addiction to lust manifest by pornography and compulsive masturbation.  Troy, my therapist asked me many times what I wanted. I remember one session during which we talked about being whole. There are lots of parts of me scattered throughout with varying desires and wants. His goal was "to help me become whole". Whether that meant transitioning or not. At the time, I thought there'd be no way I could even consider transition much less try it.  So we focused on the pornography and I tried keeping the cross-dressing to a minimum.

Then I slipped in June 2012. When I told my ex, she decided on divorce.  I threw everything away, clothes, pills, needles. Everything. But I kept having the same feelings. How I yearned to have a feminine body, to feel smooth, pretty, and feminine. I was tired of supressing who I truly was.  So in December, I got some clothes and wore them once in a while. I wore makeup while at her parents for Christmas which did not go over at all very well.