My transition has been long and not at all traditional. For many, it’s a process that takes two years or less. I first started taking hormones way back in early 2009. Christmas 2007, my ex and I were at her parents for the holidays. Our corgi drowned the day after Christmas. I still get tearful thinking about our “Pookie”. His official name was Romney Trystan. He was a beautiful dog. Our human baby was six months old, and Romney vigilantly watched over him. Conlan has always loved dogs ever since Romney. I took Romney’s death very hard and blamed myself. I had let him out so that he could chase the cats. I went to check on him and saw his body floating in the pool. I yelled for help, and we tried resuscitating him.
His death was the spark for the beginning of my transition. Life was good and the feelings from my childhood and teenage years were tightly sealed and deeply suppressed. But the grief process brought out those feelings. And my addiction raged. And I started researching how to tuck my penis, how to feminize my body, how to get hormones, etc. I tried herbs like saw palmetto and fenugreek. It wasn’t enough, so I ordered hormones from the Internet and used a pseudonym for the recipient’s name. I wasn't home when the package was delivered, and not recognizing the name, my ex refused the package. So I picked it up from the post office. I remember getting so nervous and excited all at the same time. And scared that I would have to show id or that it had already been returned to the sender. But I did get the package. Around this time, I had gone across the border into Mexico and bought spironolactone. I hid it all from my wife, from everyone. For subsequent orders, I got a PO Box in a nearby town.
This went on for a few years. I would take hormones for a few months and stop for a little bit. Once I dressed up and went out to the mall. I didn’t pass at all; teenagers snickered. But I felt so high and jubilant. It was wonderful!!!! But my wife did not like any of it, not the hiding, lying, pills, clothes, not any of it. I had stopped taking hormones, sacrificing myself in an attempt to save the marriage. It didn’t work, and she divorced me anyway. I was devastated. I got back on DIY hormones and then found a clinic and endocrinologist where I could get hormones without waiting a year of living full time. My first appointment there was so amazing. The specialist asked a bunch of questions and finished the interview with “you are trans”. It was so affrming to hear that, to have proof that I wasn’t crazy, that this wasn’t just another part of my addiction.
I started dating my now-wife. After two weeks of dating, I told her that I am transgender. She responded with love wanting to learn more. I was floored! True, unconditional love. I had never felt that from someone before. Complete acceptance. It was so foreign.
I came out at work. Then I changed jobs and socially detransitioned reverting to male mode in public. I was taking hormones off and on. But I was a mess. I came out at work again (at the new job) and in the running world. And I’ve been on hormones pretty much since then.
I never thought I’d get to the surgery step. From the time that I decided to transition, there were three things that I identified keeping me from having surgery: I thought I would lose my family, the cost was just too much, and I would likely get excommunicated from my church. All three of those pillars have fallen, one by one. My ex divorced me anyway, and I eventually got custody of the kids. Many insurances now cover surgery, partly due to Obamacare. And now I’m leaving the LDS Church.
Last spring sometime I heard about the NYU Langone Center and was very impressed. So I made an appointment for a consult, but the wait time for just the consult was eight months. Those eight months are now up, and my appointment is next week! Wahoo!!
Hearing others talk about dilation scared me.
