At races, there are always rumors about me. There has been a bunch of debate in online social groups about transgender runners. Comments get heated, and often the post gets deleted. But it hurts.
Around Boston this year, someone interviewed me about the safety aspect of being a transgender runner. Many popular races offer live tracking, and some even predict arrival times at various points along the course. It's public data, anyone can access it. Transgender women know all too well about the need to hide to stay safe. I had never even considered the possibility. I told the reporter that I hadn't felt that in the trail- and ultra- running community. I felt safe. I felt that if someone were out to get me, fellow runners would help protect me. I even felt that way about Boston, that complete strangers would have my back.
Maybe I'm naive. Not long after that interview, I read some of those debates, in a trail-running group. I was heartbroken. The ultra community is special. We come from all different backgrounds. Some are recovering addicts. Some are doctors. Some are plumbers. All walks of life. But we have something in common: the love of the trails and that we'll help each other no matter what. It's a tight, beautiful community. We build each other up on and off the trails. But many of the comments really tore me up inside. I retreated a little, at least internally.
Many in my church congregation know I'm transgender (I present as female everywhere else), and they seem mostly supportive. Which coming from a bunch of Mormons is a welcome surprise. But when I'm out around town and run into some that don't know, it's very awkward. And even if they do know, it still feels awkward.
I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding who I am at church. I'm tired of not passing, of not being seen simply for who I am, of not being a complete woman. Sure, I know my kids wouldn't be here if I hadn't contributed my genetic material. I know that only I could be their father. I'm tired though of being seen as a pervert or as a mental case or as a runner taking advantage of the system or as anything but a woman. I'm tired of being transgender. I wish I could be simply male or simply female, as long as I didn't have to deal with the trans issue. Cause it really sucks sometimes. I just want to be me.
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you areBut I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are gloriousWhen the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me[Chorus]Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
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