Like a Lizard - Autotomy

I've been having a lot of attacks in my sleep lately, severe ones. In my semi-conscious brain, it's as if I could pull off my "male member" just as a lizard sheds its tail to protect itself in a process called autotomy. The word autotomy comes from Greek for "self severing", or self amputation. That's pretty much what I'm trying to do in my sleep, just rip it off and hope that it doesn't grow back as a lizard's does.

I thought that only lizards had this capability, but according to Wikipedia, "over 200 species of invertebrates are capable of using autotomy." That's amazing!  There are even two species of mice capable of autotomy - they release skin (including "hair follicles, sweat glands, fur and cartilage") and grow it all back.

In lizards, it's called caudal autotomy. So in my case, would it be called penile autotomy?

Here's a video discussing the red-tailed vanzosaur.

I also found this article that talks about a "simultaneous hermaphrodite" species that autotomizes its penis after copulation.

Memories Growing Up

Sister on mission talking about lipstick and makeup. Wearing lipstick covers lips so they don't get any sun and therefore get lighter and require lipstick for some color.

A friend, H, in elementary told me I looked like a girl because my shirt was hanging off my shoulder. (My shirt was too big as well.)

I played with the girls in school. My friends were girls. I really liked Melissa in first grade.

I wanted to play with dolls but stayed away from them because I was a boy, and boys don't play with dolls.

While at a family reunion campout, my cousin, C had some girl issue. I think she had her period for the first time. It was all hush-hush. Nobody would tell me what was going on. I was about 12.

Throughout High School, I talked with the girls and longed to be in their circles, to giggle with them, hear their stories, cry with them, etc.

Work - Skirts, Blouses, and Heels

About a month ago, when I was told to "Pick One", I started taking two sets of clothes to work. One pair to use after I showered and the other before I walked into my office's building. It was too much, having to change in the porta-potty. So on the Friday before Labor Day, when hardly anybody was going to be at the office, I just kept my skirt and blouse on all day. It was so liberating! I wasn't hiding anymore. The next week, I continued, at first wearing just slacks and a blouse. Then I wore my long skirt. After about a week, my immediate supervisor called me into her office. She (and others) had noticed that my clothing had changed "a little". So we talked about it for a while, she offered her support. It was great. A few days later, both she and her supervisor talked to me together. They had talked to the human resource folks and wanted to again offer their support and figure out how I wanted things to progress. WOW! That was absolutely not the reaction I was expecting. I told them that it was something I've been working on for a few years, that I had even been on hormones and was considering surgery.

I suppose that they sent an email out to everyone else in the office. I had told them I prefer female pronouns. Coworkers have been very accommodating and supportive, using female pronouns. It's so nice to be called ma'am. One coworker is even trying to get me some clothes from a friend of hers. We're working on the bathroom issue; I'm still using the men's. At the time, I thought I'd be okay using the men's bathroom. But now that I'm full time, it's a little awkward. When I met with both supervisors, they just asked that I give them prior notice before switching, that it's up to what I want. So I just need to talk to them again.

I feel so much more accepted, so much more comfortable at work now. My productivity has rocketed through the roof. Instead of wasting days surfing the 'net and writing posts (like I am doing now ;) ), I'm actually getting work done. I even volunteered to be the fitness program coordinator. And I'll be teaching a series of courses on Excel to coworkers. My supervisors and others in the office noticed my Excel proficiency. It's nice that I'm being noticed for positive instead of always negative. The first two years at this job, it seemed like my supervisors were calling me to their office about every week for something I had or hadn't done. It was a frustrating time - the reason I applied and interviewed for a bunch of other positions.

The first couple weeks, I scrambled to get enough clothes. I had only a couple blouses, a couple skirts, and one dress. I was using my wife's flats since I didn't have any shoes of my own. Then (with her consent), I started switching the flats with a pair of her heels. Eventually I got my own heels but could use a couple more pairs of my own shoes. Prior to wearing heels, I thought women were crazy for wearing such awkward and dangerous foot apparel. But oh my! I would wear heels every day if I could! Now I have a couple more skirts, another pair of slacks, and a few more blouses. I still need more clothes (I bought almost everything at a thrift store) and definitely more dresses!

So what's next? Surgery? Out at Church? Out to Family? I really don't know. But for know, this feels what I'm supposed to do. This feels right.