How Being Transgender MtF Has Made Me a Better Father

This post has been weighing on my mind a lot lately, and I've been working on it for many months. Even then, I feel it's woefully inadequate, so maybe I'll be adding to it for a while.  And I hope my words convey what I am feeling and touch the reader in some way, even if it's not very significant.

There's a certain calmness that came to my life after I finally accepted my identity and embraced being transgender. Because of that, because I've taken care of myself first, I am able to take care of those around me, especially of my children. Instead of being in an emotionally-charged state, I'm able to calmly walk into situations and solve them together with my boys.  You know how on an airplane, you're supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first, this totally relates!

Before accepting my identity, I fought it for many years.  I prayed God would take it away.  That never happened, He told me to wait.  He didn't say what to wait for.  I still struggle and have frequent and severe dysphoric episodes.  BUT I can now deal with it.  It doesn't completely debilitate me, and I'm able to function and continue with my parenting responsibilities. And I know there's sunshine waiting behind the clouds.  I hope I can convey this wisdom to my kids when they are struggling with the turbulence of life.

We live in an always-changing world.  Fifty years ago, being transgender or gay was rarely talked about and likely just as rarely experienced.  I think that the incidence has increased; not that those who felt this way were just as prevalent and simply suppressed their feelings, suffering in silence.  So what will the next generation bring?  What new things will the rising generation have to discover and struggle with?  I don't know, but having experienced what it's like to be transgender, to be a social outcast has taught me so much about empathy and how to truly love unconditionally.  It's taught me how to stand for myself, for my beliefs, while also listening to others' and their beliefs.  So no matter what happens in the future involving my children, I will be there for them, because I know.  I intimately know what it's like to feel alone, full of shame, lost, full of despair.  And so does Christ.  He knows exactly what I'm going through, because he experienced it for me.

In preparation for this post, I googled for some inspirational quotes on fatherhood. Here are a few that I liked:

"The greatest mark of a father is how he treats his children when no one is looking." - Dan Pearce
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." -Sigmund Freud
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me." - Jim Valvano
"Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage (parenthood) is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults." - Peter De Vries

That last quote really hits home to some of my experiences and my outlook on life.  Throughout my younger years, I was asked if I was ready.  "Are you ready for High School?"  "Are you ready to graduate?"  Are you ready for your mission?"  "Are you ready to go home (from my mission)?" "Are you ready to be a husband, father, divorcee, etc?"  The list goes on. Every time I was asked those questions and similar ones, my answer was no.  Not until I was there and had lived the new experience was I ready.  No matter how many missionary-prep classes I took or no matter how many books I read about being a parent, I didn't feel ready.  I didn't feel like a father until AFTER I had already been a father for a while.

I am grateful for my three beautiful children.  I am grateful for all the challenges they present to me as their father.  And I am grateful for the challenges that they face every day and that I can walk with them on their journeys, hopefully helping them along the way.  Sure, I'd love to be a mother, but I am their father and joyfully accept and embrace all the responsibilities that come with that sacred calling.

Humidity of Summer 2016

The humidity has been absurdly high this summer, or it seems like it anyway.  We were in Kentucky last week, and the humidity was so bad that my shoes stayed soaked with sweat for the whole duration of our stay!  On one of my runs while there, I deposited my shirt on the side of a road in a remote area near a park.  I ran a short loop through the park and was back to that spot within 20 minutes.  Sadly, my shirt was gone!  So I continued on my way for another hour or so with just my sports bra and shorts.  When I came back to give the thief a second chance, it still wasn't there.  I was pissed - it was my favorite shirt as it hugged and accentuated whatever little curves my body has.  And it was cute.  And it was my favorite singlet!! And it matched my shorts like no other of my shirts could. Why would anyone want to steal a sweaty petite running shirt?!?  Part of me wonders if they're some pervert who is now getting aroused at smelling my bodily fluids...  Oh well, I have plenty of shirts. :(

Anywho, while I was out on a run recently, I came up with a list about humidity.

As a runner you know it's humid (and miserably hot) when: -You're soaked in less than five minutes with sweat.
-Not only are your shirt, shorts, and bra soaked, but your socks and shoes are also dripping. #drippingsweat
-Your soaked shoes are still wet a couple days later. #sweatyShoes
-As you are running, sweat flies off of the ends of your hands.
-You rejoice at the sight of rain clouds but are angry when those clouds don't release a single drop. Or if it does rain, it only rains for a couple minutes, enough to raise the miserable factor yet a couple more degrees.
-You look forward to that cold shower waiting for you at home. Unless you live in Arizona where even ground water doesn't cool at night.
-You would jump at the opportunity to suffer through the hellish dry heat of the southwest US.
-After you get home and shower, you spend ten minutes wiping up the trail of sweat puddles from front door to your shower, and anywhere in between.
-You overcome your insecurities and run either entirely topless or with just your sports bra. #sportsbrasquad
-If you drive to your run, you bring a pad of some sort to place on your seat and behind your back so as not to soak your seat on the way back home. Or you bring an extra pair of clothes that also get soaked but not enough to soak your seat. #smellyCar
-No one can stand to be around you. #runnerstench -With every run, you find new ways and places your body has learned to chafe. #runnerchafe
-You long for winter.#WinterCantComeSoonEnough
-If you dare go outside, the trails and streets are void of other runners and bicyclists. #pansieRunners
-Running at four or five AM makes no difference.#sleeplessInHumidity
#miserableatanytimeofday   #humiditysucks   #keeponrunning   #ultraRunner  

Do you have any to add?

And how about some memes?

Let Your Light So Shine

I was in a meeting last night for church.  We read a lot about service, and a lot of the lesson talked about grace:

"Sharing your testimony of His mercy and His grace is one of the most important services you can offer."
. . .
"Never forget where you have come from and how you have been rescued by the grace of God. Jesus Christ will do the same 'in all cases' for those who will repent and turn to Him." - Mosiah 29:20

A few other times, the word grace came up.  To me it was further confirmation that being Grace is where I need to be.

Then today, my company had a Pride event.  The main talk was inspiring and listening to others share their stories brought tears to my eyes.  I am Grace, a transgender woman, and I am Mormon.  As I was reflecting, a passage from Christ's Sermon on the Mount came to mind:

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. - Matthew 5:14-16.

I can't hide anymore.  I am proud to be ME.  I am grateful that I live in a day and age where I can (mostly) feel safe being myself. I am grateful to Christ my Savior for the example that He set for me and for sacrificing His life for me in love.  I don't have all the answers that being transgender brings, but I do know that He died on the Cross and rose the third day.  He LIVES!  I know that God loves me and guides my everyday life.  He listens to my prayers and answers them.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God's church, and He guides it through his prophet.  I know the Book of Mormon and the Holy Bible are from God and that they are true.  I know our Heavenly Father loves us and prepared a way for us to return to Him through Jesus Christ.  By His marvelous plan, we can be together with our families into the eternities.  I know all this to be true and pray that you may find the grace of God in your lives.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Center

Over Christmas break, we drove over 3,000 miles to meet my wife's brothers and sisters and to celebrate Christmas. As we were driving through the town of one of her brothers, we were amazed at the Christmas lights at the center of town.  The lights covered the whole town square, neighboring streets, and courthouse/town hall at the center of the square.  It was so beautiful and something we rarely see anymore.  It wasn't a bunch of fast food restaurants and fashionable stores.  It was the courthouse and townhall with an outdoor ampitheater, a war memorial for valiant veterans, benches under shade trees, grass to picnic and play on, and the Ten Commandments on display.

The next day, I ran from our little motel to the center of town and was pondering the lights from the previous night and celebrations of the Christmas season. As I neared the town center, I remembered a lesson from sixth grade. Throughout history towns and villages were built so that the temple or other place of worship is at the center. The teacher asked us why we thought they did that. Why wasn't the market at the center, or the financial institution, or some other business or group of businesses, or a bunch of densely-packed residences? Most of the class answered that it was like a metaphorical focus or center to their lives. I came up with a unique answer, that if the city or fortress were attacked, then the temple would be the last building to get destroyed.  And if by some miracle a resurgence occurred, they could save the temple before the enemy pillaged or tore it down too.

So all of this was going through my mind as I ran down center street USA.  And I wondered a couple things: what happened to the classic setup of a town, why our town centers became shopping malls, and secondly, where was my own, inner center?  What is the focus of my life?

Running does that to me, it gets me to reflect on my own life.  I reflect on how things are going.  Things that need changing.  Things that need adjusting.  Things that are just right. I feel gratitude as I leap over downed trees or across streams.  I feel love for my family, both my running family and my actual family.  As I run through the forest, across the field, or along the river, I feel my heart burst with gratitude for nature and all of Creation.  That is my center: running, God, and family.

So the next question: is my life in alignment with my center?  Another question for another day.

Call Me Grace

My running club recently and secretly announced a new transgender policy. "Announced" is a strong word, perhaps "quietly posted" would be a better term.  I didn't know about it until I went to register for their annual 100-mile race. They had tucked the new policy on the registration page right under the male vs. female indication selection. The club president had sent me a couple emails a couple months prior, but I had heard nothing back, just that they were going to do something. Instead of actually coming up with something on their own, without much research, they decided to adopt the IOC policy which was adopted for the 2004 Olympics in May 2004 and basically requires three things:

1. Legal change of gender
2. SRS
3. Two years of HRT after SRS

So now, I feel that I have to disclose that I'm transgender to everyone. I feel like my privacy has been rudely invaded, and I have no choice other than to just accept it. It sucks. Really sucks.

Well, I came out to my club publicly on the Facebook group page.  The response was overwhelmingly positive and supportive.  Here's my post:

You can call me Grace.

I should have posted this a long time ago.  I'm not one to put myself out there but am completely open and honest if you can get me talking.  And I apologize for the length.  Basically, I'm transgender, and this is the gist of my story.

There's probably been a lot of talk and rumors surrounding me, especially since September when I ran Big Schloss as a female.  So this is my attempt to open the lines of communication and hopefully resolve any misunderstandings and misconceptions.  I'm grateful for all the support and acceptance I've felt from so many club members.  For a long time, I debated even registering as female and thought I'd be content staying in the shadows and running as male.  Then last year, I ran Boston as female.  At such a large event, I was one of thousands and nobody seemed to notice the gender change.  So I went along on my happy way.  For the small, local races I continued registering as male.  I guess that I wasn't ready.  I was content to be female on Strava, gender-neutral on Facebook, and female as passively as possible.  Now though, I'm ready.

My first run with the club was MGM 2013. I had moved from southwest Arizona the year before and had finally found the club.  From Hemlock, I started at the back of the pack and slowly made my way along the river.  I remember passing a few "seasoned" runners (probably the likes of Tom Corris, Gary, Clapper, etc.) while on the rocky section (little did I know that these were mere pebbles compared to the infamous rocks of MMT).  I hadn't cut my hair for over a year, so it was getting pretty long.  From behind they called me Anna (name changed; she's an amazing runner from the area) and said something about me being a fast, real runner.  I just smiled at both comments and continued down the trail.  When I ran Masochist the next year, the same thing happened - they thought I was the lead female at all the aid stations.  Anna (as I understand/remember it), caught up to me near the turn-around at Catoctin because she thought I was female.  (Then, she left me in the dust, finishing nearly 15 minutes ahead of me.)  Part of me rejoiced at being seen as female, but another part of me yearned to register in races and run as such.

When I married my wife over two years ago, she knew everything.  We agreed that together, we'd find our path and exactly how my transition fit into it.  She had never had her own kids, and we both wanted that.  So when the time was right, we worked it in.  Many times I have asked why I was born with this body.  Every time I've asked, I've felt that only I could father these three beautiful boys.  Only my genes.  As much as I want to be a mother in every way, I can't.  I am these children's father.  I am proud to be their father and rejoice in the title of daddy.  Sure I'd like to be mommy, but that just ain't gonna happen.  And I won't ask them to call me that either.

I grew up in a conservative and very-sheltered Mormon home.  Things like this weren't talked about.  So I learned to shove everything down, deep inside.  Eventually it blew up, and at about the same time, thankfully, I found ultra- and trail-running.  My life would be very different  and dismal without running in it.  Like the great Emil Zatopek, I have three great loves: God and country, my family, and running.  I embrace, support, and actively participate with my church even though it is struggling with how to handle this part of me and of others like me.

As for my name and pronouns.  You can call me whatever you want.  Crazy, fast, mental, weird, etc.  That is your right.  That is part of this great country.  I avoid confrontation almost at all costs.  That is why I haven't been vocal about my new name and preferred gender.  I do prefer you call me Grace and use female pronouns.  I won't have an anxiety attack and start demanding you apologize or change your beliefs if you or someone uses male pronouns or calls me by my old name.  For those that want to use my preferred pronouns, I understand it may take some time, and no apology is needed.  After all, that has been my name for over three and a half decades, and I'm somewhat attached.

There's a lot more to my story.  Ask me about it some time on a long run, and we can really get into it if you want.  Or feel free to ask me any questions, and I'll most likely answer them, perhaps in private.  Or send me a private message, and I can hook you up with my blog.

Happy Trails,
~Grace