This post has been weighing on my mind a lot lately, and I've been working on it for many months. Even then, I feel it's woefully inadequate, so maybe I'll be adding to it for a while. And I hope my words convey what I am feeling and touch the reader in some way, even if it's not very significant.
There's a certain calmness that came to my life after I finally accepted my identity and embraced being transgender. Because of that, because I've taken care of myself first, I am able to take care of those around me, especially of my children. Instead of being in an emotionally-charged state, I'm able to calmly walk into situations and solve them together with my boys. You know how on an airplane, you're supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first, this totally relates!
Before accepting my identity, I fought it for many years. I prayed God would take it away. That never happened, He told me to wait. He didn't say what to wait for. I still struggle and have frequent and severe dysphoric episodes. BUT I can now deal with it. It doesn't completely debilitate me, and I'm able to function and continue with my parenting responsibilities. And I know there's sunshine waiting behind the clouds. I hope I can convey this wisdom to my kids when they are struggling with the turbulence of life.
We live in an always-changing world. Fifty years ago, being transgender or gay was rarely talked about and likely just as rarely experienced. I think that the incidence has increased; not that those who felt this way were just as prevalent and simply suppressed their feelings, suffering in silence. So what will the next generation bring? What new things will the rising generation have to discover and struggle with? I don't know, but having experienced what it's like to be transgender, to be a social outcast has taught me so much about empathy and how to truly love unconditionally. It's taught me how to stand for myself, for my beliefs, while also listening to others' and their beliefs. So no matter what happens in the future involving my children, I will be there for them, because I know. I intimately know what it's like to feel alone, full of shame, lost, full of despair. And so does Christ. He knows exactly what I'm going through, because he experienced it for me.
Before accepting my identity, I fought it for many years. I prayed God would take it away. That never happened, He told me to wait. He didn't say what to wait for. I still struggle and have frequent and severe dysphoric episodes. BUT I can now deal with it. It doesn't completely debilitate me, and I'm able to function and continue with my parenting responsibilities. And I know there's sunshine waiting behind the clouds. I hope I can convey this wisdom to my kids when they are struggling with the turbulence of life.
We live in an always-changing world. Fifty years ago, being transgender or gay was rarely talked about and likely just as rarely experienced. I think that the incidence has increased; not that those who felt this way were just as prevalent and simply suppressed their feelings, suffering in silence. So what will the next generation bring? What new things will the rising generation have to discover and struggle with? I don't know, but having experienced what it's like to be transgender, to be a social outcast has taught me so much about empathy and how to truly love unconditionally. It's taught me how to stand for myself, for my beliefs, while also listening to others' and their beliefs. So no matter what happens in the future involving my children, I will be there for them, because I know. I intimately know what it's like to feel alone, full of shame, lost, full of despair. And so does Christ. He knows exactly what I'm going through, because he experienced it for me.
In preparation for this post, I googled for some inspirational quotes on fatherhood. Here are a few that I liked:
"The greatest mark of a father is how he treats his children when no one is looking." - Dan PearceThat last quote really hits home to some of my experiences and my outlook on life. Throughout my younger years, I was asked if I was ready. "Are you ready for High School?" "Are you ready to graduate?" Are you ready for your mission?" "Are you ready to go home (from my mission)?" "Are you ready to be a husband, father, divorcee, etc?" The list goes on. Every time I was asked those questions and similar ones, my answer was no. Not until I was there and had lived the new experience was I ready. No matter how many missionary-prep classes I took or no matter how many books I read about being a parent, I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel like a father until AFTER I had already been a father for a while.
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." -Sigmund Freud
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me." - Jim Valvano
"Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage (parenthood) is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults." - Peter De Vries
I am grateful for my three beautiful children. I am grateful for all the challenges they present to me as their father. And I am grateful for the challenges that they face every day and that I can walk with them on their journeys, hopefully helping them along the way. Sure, I'd love to be a mother, but I am their father and joyfully accept and embrace all the responsibilities that come with that sacred calling.
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