Thorn in my Flesh

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. - Paul, 2 Corinthians 12:7-10  

The stake president and I met today. It was hard. In order for me to go to the "next level",  he wants me to teach and to be an example of the doctrine. Apparently what he terms crossdressing goes against that. I've always hated that term. There's no cross about it. Except maybe when I'm wearing a suit and tie at Church, then yes, I'm crossdressing. We read from the For the Strength of the Youth  pamphlet about modesty. He talked about deacons passing the Sacrament and about elders on their missions. They keep their hair short and wear a tie and white shirt when possible. Basically, long hair doesn't conjur the image of worthy priesthood holder, of someone teaching the Gospel. Nor does  having pierced ears. And these things won't keep one out of the temple, but . . .

I shared with him what dysphoria is like. The every-day struggle. The dissonance between mind and body. The almost-nightly attacks. How for thirty years I fought this part of me, tried hiding it, pushing it away, ignoring it, feeling intense shame for it, and praying it away until it drove me crazy and into suicidal ideations and took away my family. Only when I faced it, accepted and embraced it, and started to learn self love by taking steps of transition did I find true peace. And that peace wasn't the quelling of carnal or sexual cravings and desires but a lasting joy accompanied by approval of the Spirit and a pervasive feeling of calmness I had never before felt. Finally, I knew and accepted who I am! And every step I have taken in my transition since then has been after much pondering, careful consideration, quiet contemplation, and confirmation from the Spirit through prayer. Starting hormones. Changing my name. Running as female. And even something as trivial as getting my ears pierced!

Every single bloody day I want nothing more than SRS and to simply have the right sex body with all the correct parts and cycles. To be comfortable around anyone who knows. To not get weird looks in public. To feel safe to empty my bladder. To get an entire night of sleep without having an attack. To not have anxiety about going to bed because of said attacks. If this is my thorn, my infirmity, then so be it. Somehow his grace will continue to give me strength. It is through His grace that I am here, and I am grateful for it and for His perfect, unconditional love.