Thursday, December 27, 2018

Poignant Lessons of Life

 I often reflect on lessons I've learned. Sometimes a specific lecture or lesson from a professor or elementary teacher stands out. And that lesson sucks with me throughout my life. Here are a few that have stuck.

My eleventh grade history/literature teacher had us read Kurt Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle" together. After each lesson, he would talk about it. One day he got on his proverbial soap box and talked about how we as humans try to put everything in a box, make everything in straight lines. We defy nature, and therefore God. As I've been learning more and more about gardening, ecology, and permaculture, I see this over and over. We think we know so much, but in reality we know very little. The more we attempt to take nature and claim grind, the more havoc we wreak. Bees don't fly in straight lines from flower to flower. We think that making things as efficient and compact and industrialized as possible saves money, but it only creates other, more costly problems. Monocrop planting is like a huge billboard for pests and diseases. So we think the solution is chemicals, which only briefly work and are harmful to us and the environment. When nature already has a solution: diversity and attracting beneficial hugs. We fight against nature instead of working with it, as it is. We fight nature and therefore God. #rantover I promise, lol.

My fourth grade teacher was new to teaching. So new that my third-grade teacher was also her third-grade teacher. But she taught me a lot. Two, scratch that, THREE lessons stand out from her.

  1. She cultivated a love of science in all of her students, especially in me. One day she had a bunch of test tubes standing next to each other and poured water into each of them and then some other water also. The result was a rainbow of test tubes. Our task was to figure out how she did it. "There was powder in the tubes" was one guess. Another was that she put dye in each of them without us seeing. Neither suggestion was correct. I silently thought about it, and in my contemplation probably missed the explanation that she gave. For years I puzzled over that object lesson and could never figure it out. Recently, my sister-in-law was teaching at the same school as her, right as my teacher was about to retire. So I asked how she had done it. Surprised that I remembered it, she revealed that the multiple containers of water were not actually water but various chemicals. My assumptions were at fault. When the transparent liquids were combined, a chemical reaction produced the various colors, based on which chemicals were combined.
  2. Once she wrote on my quarterly report card that I often pout and give up when confronted with difficult problems that I can't easily solve. I remember being angry and furious at her for writing that, cause I was a perfect student. Or so I felt.  In the years since, the image of that sentence printed at the bottom of the dot-matrix paper has stuck with me. Especially when I am working on a difficult problem and throw a tantrum.  I then calm down and realize that I can do hard things.  It may take a long while and a significant amount of elbow grease, but I can do it
  3. She started the Young Astronaut's program in our school. One day per week we met either in the gym or her classroom and did science stuff. We planted beans in milk cartons, learned about photovoltaic cells, contraction of eye pupils to regulate light, and many other fascinating things about the world around us. We even tried dehydrated space food - my favorite was the ice cream.
  4. Okay, I lied, FOUR. Once she kept me late because I refused to write. That day we had learned about the haiku. I could not think of anything to come up with for my haiku. So I just sat there. Just three lines and seventeen syllables. But I couldn't do it. And I continued to sit trying to come up with something, but even after school I still stubbornly refused to write anything until I had something perfect. This incident, the one time that I ever faced any level of detention is probably what inspired her to write her criticism on that report card. I hated writing for many years, especially creative writing. I was okay with writing a report, but not a story or expression of my thoughts and feelings on a subject. Sometime in high school, I started a journal which I dutifully wrote in every day until sometime in college after my mission when the addiction took over my life. That's another story entirely. Long story short, I used writing to help get out of that addiction and to stay sober even now. Thankfully, writing and I are on much better terms. It has become a healthy outlet for my emotions and a way of sorting out things.
As a sophomore in college, I really struggled with the abstract side of math. Computational math was a breeze, with or without a calculator. I remember sitting with a fellow student in our professor's office. This was the second time I had him, first for Math 4710, Probability, the previous semester, and now for Math 4210, Fundamentals of Analysis. He basically told us to try and to keep working at it.  He compared proofs and problems with using a hammer. At first, the muscles are weak, and the body not very-well coordinated. With practice, the muscles strengthen and better swing the hammer. The brain and body become more accurate and hit the nail, not the poor thumb. With time, diligence, and persistence the proof muscles did get stronger. I learned the tools and techniques to solve theorems and other problems.

In group therapy, our therapist compared addiction to being stuck at the bottom of a well. Even if someone tossed us a shovel, how would we get out. I've imagined this many times and tried picturing how I could get out. He didn't give us the solution. And it continues to puzzle me. Maybe it relates to the infamous first and second steps of recovery. That we are powerless and need help from a higher being. For God could surely pluck us out of that well just add he did me from the addiction. I think the imagery combined with the problem had helped solidify this lesson in my thoughts. And the same for all of these lessons. I remember them well either because they were an object lesson or I imagined them intensely with great detail. I bet there's a study out there about the permanence of memories and lessons.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Mission Reflections

I realized today that it's been a little over nineteen years since I started a two-year mission to Hungary for my church. I was just over nineteen years old at the time and thought that I knew so much. I was so sure of where my future was headed. It's been anything but what I imagined, and I'm grateful for that! Three houses bought, four trips to Europe, three beautiful sons with a fourth on the way, a divorce, two education degrees, a bunch of cross-country road trips, thousands of miles on foot, various certifications including Master Gardener, four dogs (I still get teary now eleven years after "Pookie" passed), five (5 too many lol) indoor cats, countless friends from church and running from all around the world, many tears, many smiles and laughs, many mountain peaks, countless gorgeous vistas, and so on.

I like to think I've learned a thing or two on this journey that is, statistically speaking, only halfway done. I hope I'm less judgemental of others. That I listen more than I talk. That I'm more empathetic and understanding of others. That it always gets better in the end, and if it's not getting better, it's not the end yet. That's it's better to let it out than to keep it in. That Mother Nature is a way better Gardener than I'll ever be. To embrace the suck and the mundane and to enjoy the present. That stuff doesn't really matter cause it just comes and goes, but memories of time spent with family and friends, those stay forever. That it all comes down to love.

#nostalgia #lifeisgood #T-I-M-E #ultrarunner #ultrarunninglife

Gracetől való gondolkodások
Másnap észre vettem hogy tizenkilenc éve van azóta hogy missziómra indultam. Akkor csak tizenkilenc éves voltam és azt hittem hogy sokat tudtam. Olyan biztos is voltam arról hogy mit hozna nekem a jövő. Egyáltalán nem volt olyan amilyet képzeltem és nagyon hálás vagyok érte.

Friday, December 7, 2018

WHY

"Why do you dance?"
"Because it's always been a part of my life. It was there with my mom when I was a baby, and it's here now thanks to Odette. It allows me to live, to be myself." - Felicie in “Leap”

And this is part of why I run. Ever since coach Mason cnvinced me to join the summer track club while I was in Junior High and gave his full support and confidence in me.  He believed in me and gave me the nickname “Studmuffin.”  Then Coach Garn took note of the tiny, gawky freshman and taught me the basics about cross country running and shared fascinating stories of his adventures in running.  Mitch was a senior and was super friendly to me.  Later that year he won the state title but still took time for me.  And now Coach Roche has taken that support to the absolute, unconditional level with loads of excitement, contagious positivity, the playfulness of a puppy, and unbounded encouragement.

I run because it is a part of me, always has been.  I run because it allows me to live, to be myself.  When I am out on a run, it's just me and nature bonding ever more with each step. Left foot, right foot. Over and over again. The rhythm and predictability bring peace and calm to my otherwise frantic, dysphoric mind and body. The fascinating and natural beauty all around brings gratitude to my heart. I run for love.  Love of my family.  Love of other runners and fellow human beings, each with their unique challenges and fascinating journeys. Love of Mother Earth.  Love of myself.


Sunday, September 23, 2018

Thorn in my Flesh

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. - Paul, 2 Corinthians 12:7-10  
The stake president and I met today. It was hard. In order for me to go to the "next level",  he wants me to teach and to be an example of the doctrine. Apparently what he terms crossdressing goes against that. I've always hated that term. There's no cross about it. Except maybe when I'm wearing a suit and tie at Church, then yes, I'm crossdressing. We read from the For the Strength of the Youth  pamphlet about modesty. He talked about deacons passing the Sacrament and about elders on their missions. They keep their hair short and wear a tie and white shirt when possible. Basically, long hair doesn't conjur the image of worthy priesthood holder, of someone teaching the Gospel. Nor does  having pierced ears. And these things won't keep one out of the temple, but . . .

I shared with him what dysphoria is like. The every-day struggle. The dissonance between mind and body. The almost-nightly attacks. How for thirty years I fought this part of me, tried hiding it, pushing it away, ignoring it, feeling intense shame for it, and praying it away until it drove me crazy and into suicidal ideations and took away my family. Only when I faced it, accepted and embraced it, and started to learn self love by taking steps of transition did I find true peace. And that peace wasn't the quelling of carnal or sexual cravings and desires but a lasting joy accompanied by approval of the Spirit and a pervasive feeling of calmness I had never before felt. Finally, I knew and accepted who I am! And every step I have taken in my transition since then has been after much pondering, careful consideration, quiet contemplation, and confirmation from the Spirit through prayer. Starting hormones. Changing my name. Running as female. And even something as trivial as getting my ears pierced!

Every single bloody day I want nothing more than SRS and to simply have the right sex body with all the correct parts and cycles. To be comfortable around anyone who knows. To not get weird looks in public. To feel safe to empty my bladder. To get an entire night of sleep without having an attack. To not have anxiety about going to bed because of said attacks. If this is my thorn, my infirmity, then so be it. Somehow his grace will continue to give me strength. It is through His grace that I am here, and I am grateful for it and for His perfect, unconditional love.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Vermont 100 - 2017

One hour ten minutes! Four thousand two hundred seconds. Four thousand nine hundred heart beats (average resting heart rate). A space shuttle takes approximately 90 minutes to orbit earth.

That's how much faster I ran the Vermont 100 race this year compared to last year. 

The race director had challenged me to finish under twenty hours.  AND I DID IT. I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!

It was a great weekend.  The whole family came.  We brought the popup trailer and stayed at a nearby campground.  It was nice having them there.  I stayed solo, meaning I ran without crew and without a pacer.  So the family could cheer me on only at a couple spectator locations, not at any of the aid stations. I never saw them, not until after I finished.  I finished so much faster this year, that my wife didn't think I'd finish so soon.  I had had a great day.  And it was super nice to sleep on a bed, and sleep with my whole family.

Can This be Me

Lately, I've been feeling off.  I haven't been "passing" as easily lately and have been getting misgendered a lot more often.  Usually it doesn't bother me, and I can easily brush it off.

At races, there are always rumors about me.  There has been a bunch of debate in online social groups about transgender runners.  Comments get heated, and often the post gets deleted.  But it hurts.

Around Boston this year, someone interviewed me about the safety aspect of being a transgender runner.  Many popular races offer live tracking, and some even predict arrival times at various points along the course.  It's public data, anyone can access it.  Transgender women know all too well about the need to hide to stay safe.  I had never even considered the possibility.  I told the reporter that I hadn't felt that in the trail- and ultra- running community.  I felt safe.  I felt that if someone were out to get me, fellow runners would help protect me.  I even felt that way about Boston, that complete strangers would have my back.

Maybe I'm naive.  Not long after that interview, I read some of those debates, in a trail-running group.  I was heartbroken.  The ultra community is special.  We come from all different backgrounds.  Some are recovering addicts.  Some are doctors.  Some are plumbers.  All walks of life.  But we have something in common: the love of the trails and that we'll help each other no matter what.  It's a tight, beautiful community.  We build each other up on and off the trails.  But many of the comments really tore me up inside.  I retreated a little, at least internally.

Many in my church congregation know I'm transgender (I present as female everywhere else), and they seem mostly supportive.  Which coming from a bunch of Mormons is a welcome surprise.  But when I'm out around town and run into some that don't know, it's very awkward.  And even if they do know, it still feels awkward.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of hiding who I am at church.  I'm tired of not passing, of not being seen simply for who I am, of not being a complete woman.  Sure, I know my kids wouldn't be here if I hadn't contributed my genetic material.  I know that only I could be their father.  I'm tired though of being seen as a pervert or as a mental case or as a runner taking advantage of the system or as anything but a woman.  I'm tired of being transgender.  I wish I could be simply male or simply female, as long as I didn't have to deal with the trans issue.  Cause it really sucks sometimes.  I just want to be me.

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
[Chorus]
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
[Chorus]
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) 'cause there's nothing I'm not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me
Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

Out There

I had the wonderful opportunity to run with an acquaintance for a few miles at Vermont 100 this year. We first met two years ago. She passed me around mile 90. I was defeated. I had been in second place all day only to drop to fifth place between miles 80 and 90. But I knew there was a tough hill the last few miles, and up hills are my strength. So after getting some water before the hill, I surged.  By the top of the hill I had reclaimed second place.  There I stayed through the short hill down to the finish. Runners second through fifth finished within ten minutes, which is very tight for a 100 miler. We won't talk about the female winner - she's amazingly fast and later that year broke the 100-mile world record. She easily beat the rest of us.

Last year, this friend of mine didn't run but was there cheering her husband. And we talked for a little bit. I couldn't remember her very well, definitely not her name. But she knew me. (I get that a lot, people remember me and know who I am even if we've only seen each other once before. And I rarely  know them or remember them). This year though, after such kindness from her and her husband last year and from talking quite a bit, I actually remembered not only her face but her name too, and her husband's.

As we were running, we chatted about a lot of things. I was in no rush since it was pretty early in the race, and I was going faster than I planned but feeling real good.  Anyway, she thanked me.  She thanked me for putting myself out there.  She works with young adults, and having my story has helped her with them.  I don't know the particulars.  Maybe one of them is transgender.  Who knows.  But I never thought this little blog reached anyone.  Much less that it helps someone.  So I will continue.  Ramblings, thoughts, struggles, triumphs.  Here they come, and they'll keep coming.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Heartbreak at Boston Number Five


Leading up to my fifth consecutive running of the Boston Marathon, I received a lot of national attention. Since I'm transgender and Boston confirmed it's policy on transgender runners, basically that they follow USATF rules and recommendations, there been a lot of hype around me. Runners World interviewed me and even used my picture as the article's cover photo! Moneyish magazine also did a great article and included some of my comments. As expected, it is a very controversial topic and everyone has their opinion. Thankfully, I had the good sense to stay, mostly, away from the negative comments and discussions.

My training suffered leading up to the race and was pretty pathetic. Since August, I struggled to find motivation. I rarely ran above forty miles per week. Those long Saturday runs happened maybe three times in the last six months. I tried getting a coach, expecting a miracle of sorts to break my lack of motivation. I'm still working on getting a coach, still naively hopeful it will solve all my problems. I did have one solid block of  four weeks of intense, focused training, but it was nowhere near enough

I've considered exiting the running scene. I'm just not passionate about it like I once was. It takes SO MUCH TIME just to train. And race fees eat into our grocery budget. My time is precious with a family to take care of, a homestead to run, a full-time job, and now Master Gardener duties. For the past few months, I often had to squeeze in my workout during my lunch break. I even went on short half-hour runs, which I NEVER do. And I never seem to get enough sleep. I used to get by with six hours of sleep but now struggle when I get eight. Maybe it's because I am aging. My body is definitely not the one from high school or even from five years ago. But despite all these complaints, after every run I feel better and am grateful I took that first step out the door, or rather that first step out of bed.

So I knew I'd be nowhere near my PR, but I was hoping to get under three hours again, or at the very least run faster than last year. That did not happen. Five minutes slower than last year. I had done a lot of speed work, well a lot more in relation to my total mileage than what I usually do. So I knew that would help.

I don't do well in rain. My first 100-mile DNF was at MMT. It was a hot day. Then it rained in the late afternoon. And again later that evening. A lot! I was fine in the hot weather but quickly lost my mental grit in the rain and in the dark. So I dropped at mile 70, even though I had plenty of time to basically walk thirty miles to the finish. A night of rain and darkness just got me down. At Boston in 2015, I had my worst, now second-worst, marathon. I also spent a good hour in the medical tent warming up after rain and wind along the entire course.

This year, it completely puzzled me how the other runners were running. Hardly any of them ran the tangents, instead sticking to the middle of the road, or even the outside of the curves. I mostly ran the tangents unless it was extra windy, in which case, I used other runners as a wind block. Usually my watch records an extra half mile or so. This year I don't know how much further I ran since my watch discarded my activity. I'm a little lot pissed about that. #GarminFail I wish I could look at the data, look into when I slowed down, what my heart rate was, how I did on the hills, etc. But I can't, cause my watch lost it all! Yet another thing to grieve about and find resolve. :( #thanksGarmin #not

Normally with such a poor performance, I quickly spiral. I jump into the drama triangle and blame everything and everyone except myself that I can. I get super depressed. And it takes a couple months to come out of it.

After the race, I was content, almost okay. But deep down, a wound was forming. Questions swirled around in my head. Did I do my best? My quads were sore like never before, but I could have pushed through, right? Why didn't I 'dig deep'? I could have pushed through the pain and cold and rain and self pity, couldn't I? I wanted to curl up inside a sleeping bag and hide from my family and from the world in general.

All this while I was laying on a cot in the medical tent at the finish getting warmed up from a body temperature of 93 degrees and afterwards on the bus and drive back to the campground.

The rain was an excellent reflection of my mood: dreary, miserable, and relentless.

So how do I get through the stages of grief? How do I get back on the proverbial wagon. I feel it's like when people set New Year's resolutions or when the addict resolves to do better after yet another relapse. False hope. Resolve that lasts a couple weeks or a month, tops.  Instead of getting all gung ho and setting new goals, I'm taking a more meditative approach. It happened. Nothing I do can change the past. No matter how hard I work for the next year, yesterday's time will still be there. So I run for fun. I run, not to meet some arbitrary time, but to get outside, to get the heart pumping, to feel the meditative rhythm of my feet carrying me over mountains and across streams, to simply be in the present. No more multitasking while I run by listening to podcasts to catch up on my unlistened list, or thinking about tasks around the house or at work that need done. Just run. Slow down. Make the morning last. Savor.