Hormones and Running

A couple weeks ago, as I was out running, I was pondering things. My Bishop has been encouraging me to work on stopping hormones. I think I resented him at first; he simply doesn't understand why I am taking them. He sees it as a step towards surgery, that it's basically the same thing since I'm transforming my body. So, anyway, I was out running. Here's what I wrote in my journal that night:

I didn't run very far this morning, just a short 1-hour run. But it was very good for my mental health; it was very therapeutic. I thought a lot about the 100-mile race in May and how to prepare (I'm nervous and very worried about the technicality and extreme difficulty of the race.) I also thought a lot about Grace, hormones, God, our Bishop, etc. In the past, whenever I prayed about taking hormones, I felt that it was temporary, that someday I would stop taking hormones and wouldn't need them. On my run, I came to the conclusion that that time is drawing nigh. At first I thought I'd stop right away so that my training could benefit all the more. Then I realized I should slowly taper it instead of trying to go it "cold-turkey". I'm very worried how I'll react, how my psyche and my emotions will handle the increased testosterone levels. Just the last 6-7 weeks of taking finasteride instead of spironolactone were very difficult. (My testosterone levels jumped up and my estrogen dropped). How will I be able stop taking all of the medication, estrogen and anti-androgens? I do have much support from my wife. And starting next month, I'll be seeing a psychiatrist. I hope I get the right anti-depressant meds this time, that I can get balanced chemically. Somehow we'll all get through it.

After my run that day, I told my wife of my plans. As always, she expressed her love and never-ending support. I also realized that it had been exactly one year since I had started taking hormones again, this time with regular lab work and a prescription. From 2009-2011, I had taken estrogen and spironolactone off and on, with pills I had ordered from the Internet. During 2012, I took none to try and save my marriage. I'm scared 2014 will be like 2012, full of depression and feelings of being lost. The year was awful. I tried so hard to suppress and eliminate or annihilate my feminine side and to be masculine for my now ex-wife. My plan this time around is to embrace all of me, especially Grace. I will continue attending transgender group support meetings, seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, running a lot, praying, searching my soul, reading everything I can, and wearing whatever clothing I want - male, female, or androgynous. I will just be me: girly, frilly, nerdy, caring, emotional, fatherly, motherly, loving, etc.