I've been off of hormones for over three months. It's been terrible. The physical attacks have become more severe and frequent than ever before. I've noticed changes in my body as testosterone levels have increased that I didn't notice the other way. My body and facial hair have increased. Erections are way too frequent and trigger the dysphoria like nothing else. I'm still tired all the time. The only positive I've seen is that my running has drastically improved - I ran a marathon in under three hours! My leg muscles are well-defined. I've lost a few pounds, and my abs are flat.
A couple weeks ago, our new Stake President and our Bishop met with us at our new home. The Stake President has been trying to get to know all the members, and our Bishop thought it would be a good opportunity for us. Honestly, I think it was because he didn't have the guts to tell us himself that no, we can't get sealed. We've been married for almost a year and were working real hard to get sealed on our anniversary. When we first started talking about marriage and got engaged, the singles' ward Bishop helped me write a sealing clearance letter to Church leadership. At that point, he and the previous Stake President thought it prudent to wait for the sealing since I had been sober from my addiction for only three months. They knew I was taking hormones and wearing female clothing and had no problem with it. Fast forward a year to a new Bishop and a new Stake President, and it's like my year and a half of sobriety means nothing, that the addiction wasn't ever an issue, but that the hormones and clothing is. Still without telling us "No", they told us I need more stability, that I'm too close to the line. I told them surgery has never been an option. That didn't matter, I'm changing my body with hormones which was too close to the line for them. They want me to be stable, but they won't let me treat my illness. It's like telling a diabetic to take care of their body but not use insulin to stay alive! Or telling an anemic to not take iron supplements. That it's just all in their head. They need to pray more and just be patient. It's ridiculous!
I knew that stopping hormone treatment would be difficult. But at the time, I felt it was right and that I needed to get off of them, if just for a while. I stopped taking hormones for a few reasons: pressure from the Bishop, to eventually be able to conceive with my wife, and to see if I could live without them. A friend recently shared about how they ended up in the emergency room to get medication for their depression. They were afraid of being on medication for the rest of their life. But a neighboring patient's mother assured my friend that being on medication for the rest of one's life is better than being depressed, suicidal, unhappy, and out of balance for the rest of one's possibly (and probably) shortened life.
After the Bishop and Stake President left, I was angry. It took a couple days to calm down and sort things out. Throughout my life, I've let others make decisions for me. I worry so much about what others think. But what about me? What do I want? What do I need? What is right for ME? So I've been praying and pondering it all. The Spirit told me over a year ago to start a hormone regimen and to wait. I did so. I continue to wait and seek for further guidance. I know that my wife and I will be sealed some day. I know we will be with each other for eternity. I feel this and know it whether or not I continue transition or even if I transition fully with SRS. Yes, I know marriage is between a man and a woman, that gender is eternal, but somehow we will be together even if I become a woman in this life through surgery.
I will follow what the Spirit tells me, not necessarily what other men tell me. I've learned what it's like not being on hormones and have accepted that I will need them for the rest of my life. The third reason for stopping hormones still needs resolution. A baby. A while ago, I asked in desperate prayer why I even have a penis. The answer came immediately: to conceive my two sons and any other children with my wife. Only through my sperm could these wonderful spirit children receive physical bodies. So the questions are, how many (more) children do we want and when? I want and need to get back on hormones as soon as possible. But the longer I'm on hormones, the more likely it is that I'll be permanently sterile. I think that currently I am fertile enough to conceive but am afraid that when I continue hormones, I won't be able to get back to being fertile.
This weekend, I am running my first 100-mile race. After that I plan to start hormones. Neither my wife nor I are comfortable with sperm-banking. So when we feel the time is right and we're ready, I'll stop taking hormones for a while until we do get pregnant.
Last night I told my wife that I'm pretty sure full transition is part of my path. I'll still be her husband, still love her. Nothing will change that.
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