Day 28 - Dailies

28) What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don't do it

There are a few things I do on a regular basis. I first started doing these when I started therapy; I just felt I needed these daily tasks to make definitive progress toward recovery. A few months later when I started group therapy, I realized I was already doing "dailies" that our therapist recommended. I started individual therapy in early 2010. In April of that year I attended Wood Badge, a leadership training course for adult leaders in the Boy Scouts of America. That first weekend I brought a notebook and my scriptures along with me. Since my mission both my journal and scripture study were hit and miss. Since that weekend, I have read scriptures and written in my journal nearly every day, missing only a few days per year. Writing in my journal is a type of creative outlet and gives me time to meditate and ponder life, the universe, and everything.

Also as a part of Wood Badge, we set 5 or more goals to complete the course and get our beading award. We had to finish our goals within 18 months to complete our ticket. Some were scouting related and one was a personal goal. For my personal goal, I resolved myself to run a 10 km race under 45 minutes. I knew that I could easily run that fast - if I trained for it. In high school, my fastest 10 km was about 36 minutes. Since my mission I had run about 3 races but hadn't finished under 45 minutes. I knew it would be hard but that I could do it. So I started back into running. There was a field near our house. Running around it, gave me just over two miles. For the first few months, the most I ran was about 15 miles per week. Then, I went to Monterey, CA for work one week. I brought along my bag of female clothing and my running stuff. My longest run in my entire life was about 8 miles, and that was during high school and took about two hours. But during that week in Monterey, I ran 10 miles along the beach a couple times. I couldn't get enough of it; I had to force myself to turn around. Not long after that, I started running with a friend from group therapy. He talked about his marathon running, how he had qualified for Boston and was planning to run it the next year. Our first run together was about 14 miles. I nearly died. I was hooked, and running long distances had become one of my dailies. To finish my goal, the city I lived in had a series of 10 km races. It took me 4 attempts before I ran under 45 minutes. Since then, I've learned how much I need to run on a regular basis. My mood is definitely better on the days I've had a nice run.

Early on, I decided to never run on Sunday. It is a day to worship God. It is true that many of my runs I have felt closer to God than during any sermon at Church. Running in the outdoors, enjoying God's creations is very spiritual for me. But even then, Sunday should be a day of rest from worldly cares and worries, a day to focus on our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There are so many races and training runs that are on Sunday. Sometimes I feel torn. Thankfully, there have been plenty of races on Saturday. For my 100-miler that started early Saturday morning, I did run on Sunday and missed Church. I guess I'll have to run faster next year so that I finish before midnight on Saturday.

I've noticed one other thing that keeps me in check every day. Currently, I'm on 2 mg of estradiol and 50 mg of spironolactone (an anti-androgen). I'm not the best at taking my medicine on a regular basis. I've noticed that when I take my medicine late or completely forget it, that I'm more irritable, angry, depressed, sad, etc. When I started back on hormones, I realized how moody (mainly angry) I was without the hormones. The attacks nearly stopped after the hormones were back in my system, and I slept better.

So in summary, my dailies are:

• Study scriptures
• Write in journal
• Run (4-6 times per week)
• Take medicine (estrogen and spironolactone)

Day 27 - Goals

27) What goals do you have?

Still trying to finish the 30-day challenge. Here's day 27, similar to an earlier post about goals.

• Pay off student loans
• Save up for SRS
• Run and finish the Grand Slam of Ultrarunning
• Run at least two 100-mile races per year
• Get a new job within a year
• Take a cooking class
• Come out to more people

Right now, I'm feeling adrift. I don't know where I'm going. What's next? I'm happily married, bought a house a few months ago, ran my first 100-miler, etc. So, now what? What am I supposed to do next. Maybe it's not about "supposed to" but about what I want to do. Even then though, my mind is still blank. Just stay the course I guess. Continue running. Work on my emotional health. Spend time with family. Work towards SRS.

Goals

My mom and stepdad visited us this past weekend. I'm still not out to them, but I'm sure they have their suspicions with my long hair, blue-painted fingernails, and women's jeans. After Church on Sunday, she asked what my goals and our goals were. In the moment, a few things came to mind: get sealed, pay off student loans, credit cards, and car loan, get custody of both boys, save up for and get SRS. All I answered was that we are working on paying off my wife's credit card that maxed out while she was in college. Since then, I've been thinking of other possible goals listed below (in no particular order).

• Run The Grand Slam of Ultrarunning™.  This series of races includes four of the oldest 100-milers in the US. The Old Dominion 100 Mile Cross Country Run used to be an alternate to the Vermont 100. I'd like to run it as well even though it's not a part of the Slam.
• the Western States 100-Mile Endurance Run held the last weekend of June in California
• the Vermont 100 Endurance Run in late July
• the Leadville Trail 100 Run in the Rockies of Coloroado in mid-August
• and the Wasatch Front 100 Mile Endurance Run in early September
• Run the Barkley Marathons - 100 miles of difficult bush-whacking, hill climbing, compass-navigating and more in the hills of Tennessee near Frozen Head State Park.
• Get sealed to my wife in the temple, a special place where sacred ordinances are performed by those with authority from God.
• Coneive a child with my wife
• Earn another degree or two. Bachelor's, Master's, or maybe even a PhD. My BA and MS are both in Mathematics. Getting a Master's or PhD in Statistics would greatly enhance my resume.
• Retire
• Teach at a college or university, before or during retirement
• Buy a cottage in eastern Europe
• Find peace with my gender dysphoria, whether that includes full SRS, hormones for the rest of my life or some other form of treatment.

While none of those goals are SMART, they do give me direction and an idea where I'm headed.

MMT

Since December when I got into my first 100-mile race, I've been training a lot, running 80-90 miles per week for three weeks and a rest week of about 50-60 miles. All that hard work paid off this last weekend at the Massanutten Mountain Trails 100 Mile Run (MMT). The course is pretty brutal with about 18,000 feet of ascent (and descent) but the views are well worth it. The race webpage gives a nice summary of the course:

The MMT is a challenging 100 mile trail ultra over a demanding, rocky course in the Massanutten Mountains of Virginia's Shenandoah Valley. The course includes short but rugged mountain climbs that total over 18,000 feet. While the May date usually avoids Virginia's brutal summer weather, we have had rain and violent storms in prior years. The event is noted for its well-stocked, friendly aid stations and good course marking.

This course adds another element of difficulty: lots of rocks. Rocks of all sizes. Loose rocks, gravel, moss-covered rocks, muddy rocks, sharp rocks, smooth rocks, wet rocks, and even invisible rocks. Thus it is very technical in comparison to other 100-mile races. In addition, Mother Nature decided to dump 3 inches of water in the area just the day prior. The rain and overflowing streams further added to the difficulty. Even the start and finish lines had to be adjusted to account for all the extra water in the area. Mud and water was everywhere. Streams were overflowing. The trail was often a new stream. I used 4 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of shoes, and probably should have used more. And for the record, it's actually 103.7 miles.

Update, considering surgery

I've been off of hormones for over three months. It's been terrible. The physical attacks have become more severe and frequent than ever before. I've noticed changes in my body as testosterone levels have increased that I didn't notice the other way. My body and facial hair have increased. Erections are way too frequent and trigger the dysphoria like nothing else. I'm still tired all the time. The only positive I've seen is that my running has drastically improved - I ran a marathon in under three hours! My leg muscles are well-defined. I've lost a few pounds, and my abs are flat.

A couple weeks ago, our new Stake President and our Bishop met with us at our new home. The Stake President has been trying to get to know all the members, and our Bishop thought it would be a good opportunity for us. Honestly, I think it was because he didn't have the guts to tell us himself that no, we can't get sealed. We've been married for almost a year and were working real hard to get sealed on our anniversary. When we first started talking about marriage and got engaged, the singles' ward Bishop helped me write a sealing clearance letter to Church leadership. At that point, he and the previous Stake President thought it prudent to wait for the sealing since I had been sober from my addiction for only three months. They knew I was taking hormones and wearing female clothing and had no problem with it. Fast forward a year to a new Bishop and a new Stake President, and it's like my year and a half of sobriety means nothing, that the addiction wasn't ever an issue, but that the hormones and clothing is.  Still without telling us "No", they told us I need more stability, that I'm too close to the line. I told them surgery has never been an option. That didn't matter, I'm changing my body with hormones which was too close to the line for them. They want me to be stable, but they won't let me treat my illness. It's like telling a diabetic to take care of their body but not use insulin to stay alive! Or telling an anemic to not take iron supplements. That it's just all in their head. They need to pray more and just be patient. It's ridiculous!

I knew that stopping hormone treatment would be difficult. But at the time, I felt it was right and that I needed to get off of them, if just for a while. I stopped taking hormones for a few reasons: pressure from the Bishop, to eventually be able to conceive with my wife, and to see if I could live without them. A friend recently shared about how they ended up in the emergency room to get medication for their depression. They were afraid of being on medication for the rest of their life. But a neighboring patient's mother assured my friend that being on medication for the rest of one's life is better than being depressed, suicidal, unhappy, and out of balance for the rest of one's possibly (and probably) shortened life.

After the Bishop and Stake President left, I was angry. It took a couple days to calm down and sort things out. Throughout my life, I've let others make decisions for me. I worry so much about what others think. But what about me? What do I want? What do I need? What is right for ME? So I've been praying and pondering it all. The Spirit told me over a year ago to start a hormone regimen and to wait. I did so. I continue to wait and seek for further guidance. I know that my wife and I will be sealed some day. I know we will be with each other for eternity. I feel this and know it whether or not I continue transition or even if I transition fully with SRS. Yes, I know marriage is between a man and a woman, that gender is eternal, but somehow we will be together even if I become a woman in this life through surgery.

I will follow what the Spirit tells me, not necessarily what other men tell me. I've learned what it's like not being on hormones and have accepted that I will need them for the rest of my life. The third reason for stopping hormones still needs resolution. A baby. A while ago, I asked in desperate prayer why I even have a penis. The answer came immediately: to conceive my two sons and any other children with my wife. Only through my sperm could these wonderful spirit children receive physical bodies. So the questions are, how many (more) children do we want and when? I want and need to get back on hormones as soon as possible. But the longer I'm on hormones, the more likely it is that I'll be permanently sterile. I think that currently I am fertile enough to conceive but am afraid that when I continue hormones, I won't be able to get back to being fertile.

This weekend, I am running my first 100-mile race. After that I plan to start hormones. Neither my wife nor I are comfortable with sperm-banking. So when we feel the time is right and we're ready, I'll stop taking hormones for a while until we do get pregnant.

Last night I told my wife that I'm pretty sure full transition is part of my path. I'll still be her husband, still love her. Nothing will change that.

Boston

This past weekend we drove to Boston for the marathon. It was a LONG drive. I'm grateful to be back home after spending days in the car. I have not really trained for the marathon distance, keeping my sights set on my first 100-miler in May. But I did quite well. I improved my PR/PB by 8 minutes and qualified again for next year. It's fun to tell people that this was only my second marathon, and that I didn't qualify for Boston with my other/first marathon. I actually qualified when I ran my second 50k race which was certified as a Boston qualifier, and supplied split times for the 26.2 mile mark.

For the last two months I have not been taking any hormones. The only medicine I have taken is an occasional half-pill of clonazapem to help with the anxiety. So I attribute most of my improvement to the surge of testosterone since I stopped taking spironolactone and estradiol.  I don't think it's fair if I were to run as a woman, even if I were post-op. And if I did, I'm sure I'd end up drawing more attention to myself than normal. It's hard enough struggling with GID - I don't want the hassle of being singled out as the fast transwoman too. I would have been in the top 100 at Boston if I had run as a woman - too fast to not get noticed.

I've been debating running a marathon as a woman, so I can start running Boston as a woman. Maybe when I get back on hormones and my secondary female characteristics reemerge stronger than their current state after two months of entropy.

Day 23 - Stereotypes

23) What stereotypes are put on trans people

Freaks, perverts, crazy, fetishists. All negative.