Boston

This past weekend we drove to Boston for the marathon. It was a LONG drive. I'm grateful to be back home after spending days in the car. I have not really trained for the marathon distance, keeping my sights set on my first 100-miler in May. But I did quite well. I improved my PR/PB by 8 minutes and qualified again for next year. It's fun to tell people that this was only my second marathon, and that I didn't qualify for Boston with my other/first marathon. I actually qualified when I ran my second 50k race which was certified as a Boston qualifier, and supplied split times for the 26.2 mile mark.

For the last two months I have not been taking any hormones. The only medicine I have taken is an occasional half-pill of clonazapem to help with the anxiety. So I attribute most of my improvement to the surge of testosterone since I stopped taking spironolactone and estradiol.  I don't think it's fair if I were to run as a woman, even if I were post-op. And if I did, I'm sure I'd end up drawing more attention to myself than normal. It's hard enough struggling with GID - I don't want the hassle of being singled out as the fast transwoman too. I would have been in the top 100 at Boston if I had run as a woman - too fast to not get noticed.

I've been debating running a marathon as a woman, so I can start running Boston as a woman. Maybe when I get back on hormones and my secondary female characteristics reemerge stronger than their current state after two months of entropy.

Day 23 - Stereotypes

23) What stereotypes are put on trans people

Freaks, perverts, crazy, fetishists. All negative.

Day 22 - Careers and Trans

22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice

So far it hasn't. Since I'm not out, being trans hasn't really affected my job. I do wonder how many of my coworkers have suspicions. Having long curly hair isn't exactly a giveaway, but since I often paint my nails or wear a little makeup, they must have suspected something.

Even if I were out, I don't suspect I'd have to change my career choice or anything. I'm still a nerd that loves math, science, and technology. And working in the industry that I do, it's more about the product than the presentation that matters.

Day 21 - Cis-gendered Community

21) Your views on the cis-gendered community

I'm jealous. To not have to worry about something so crucial, so much a part of a person, is a great blessing. To know one's own identity in life is vital to lasting joy. So how do I get there? What bliss they must live in, many completely ignorant of the struggle we deal with on a daily or even hourly basis.

I used to be homophobic. I was ignorant and prejudiced. Now that I have let down my guard, gotten to know some people that struggle with SSA, I understand a little better. As I've let go of my premonitions, I've grown in empathy not only for those in the LGBT community but for everyone different from me. I hope those in the cis-gendered community have the same opportunity to reach out to and understand others, especially us transgender folk.

Idiot Drivers

I've been pondering this post for a few days, ever since my run Saturday night. I've also debated the title of the post, either "Idiot Drivers", "Safety and Running", or "Why I Avoid Roads and Stick to Trails". I chose the former since it's more sensational and truly expresses how I feel.

I was out for my second run on Saturday. In the morning, I had run 16 miles at a decent pace, 7:30/mile. But to reach my goal of 85 miles for the week, I went on a second run, late Saturday evening. Since it was dark, I donned my white shirt, reflective vest, and headlamp. I wasn't expecting to run very fast thinking my legs were tired from the long week and also from the morning's run. My legs were fine; I turned around with about a 8 min/mile pace at one hour, 15 minutes. Sometimes I limit my runs based on distance, sometimes on the amount of time I had. For this run, I had only 2 1/2 hours. I was feeling pretty good, so I picked up the pace.

With just over a couple miles left, I was running up this long hill. It was a semi-busy road, but had a dedicated bike and pedestrian lane. With my reflective vest and white shirt, cars could easily see me from behind with plenty of time to react. So here I am, chugging up this hill, trying to keep my pace consistent while also keeping my heart rate down when a car blasts his horn at me. Not once, but twice!  Then as he passes me on the right to turn right (since there's a turning lane to turn right, and the bike lane continues between the "straight" lane and turning lane), he has his window rolled down and yells something at me. Already completely startled, frightened and hence in fight or flight, I give him the double-bird and maybe curse at him. Not at all Christlike, I admit. But anyone that honks their horn at me, gets a minimum single bird. This guy deserved the double. So as a warning to all idiot drivers, DON'T HONK your horn at me! Horn means danger, and I'll react as such. And don't flash your brights if I'm running towards you. I really need to be able to see the ground and other obstacles in front of me. If you want to say hi or cheer me on, then please slow down, roll down your window and offer appropriate words of encouragement. But please, don't honk your horn unless I am in danger, probably because you aren't paying attention and failed to see me with my bright headlamp and reflective clothing. Right after this incident, still going up the hill and before the first car finished turning, a second car decided to join the honk-fest. Bird for you too mister!

Needless to say, my heart rate averaged a lot higher on that hill than I was planning, above 170 bpm. And not to be stereotypical, not too much anyway, I've noticed that jerks that feel it's necessary to honk at me or flash their brights in my eyes are usually aggressive male drivers in big trucks. Big trucks for their big egos and lack of consideration for others.

Hormones and Running

A couple weeks ago, as I was out running, I was pondering things. My Bishop has been encouraging me to work on stopping hormones. I think I resented him at first; he simply doesn't understand why I am taking them. He sees it as a step towards surgery, that it's basically the same thing since I'm transforming my body. So, anyway, I was out running. Here's what I wrote in my journal that night:

I didn't run very far this morning, just a short 1-hour run. But it was very good for my mental health; it was very therapeutic. I thought a lot about the 100-mile race in May and how to prepare (I'm nervous and very worried about the technicality and extreme difficulty of the race.) I also thought a lot about Grace, hormones, God, our Bishop, etc. In the past, whenever I prayed about taking hormones, I felt that it was temporary, that someday I would stop taking hormones and wouldn't need them. On my run, I came to the conclusion that that time is drawing nigh. At first I thought I'd stop right away so that my training could benefit all the more. Then I realized I should slowly taper it instead of trying to go it "cold-turkey". I'm very worried how I'll react, how my psyche and my emotions will handle the increased testosterone levels. Just the last 6-7 weeks of taking finasteride instead of spironolactone were very difficult. (My testosterone levels jumped up and my estrogen dropped). How will I be able stop taking all of the medication, estrogen and anti-androgens? I do have much support from my wife. And starting next month, I'll be seeing a psychiatrist. I hope I get the right anti-depressant meds this time, that I can get balanced chemically. Somehow we'll all get through it.

After my run that day, I told my wife of my plans. As always, she expressed her love and never-ending support. I also realized that it had been exactly one year since I had started taking hormones again, this time with regular lab work and a prescription. From 2009-2011, I had taken estrogen and spironolactone off and on, with pills I had ordered from the Internet. During 2012, I took none to try and save my marriage. I'm scared 2014 will be like 2012, full of depression and feelings of being lost. The year was awful. I tried so hard to suppress and eliminate or annihilate my feminine side and to be masculine for my now ex-wife. My plan this time around is to embrace all of me, especially Grace. I will continue attending transgender group support meetings, seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, running a lot, praying, searching my soul, reading everything I can, and wearing whatever clothing I want - male, female, or androgynous. I will just be me: girly, frilly, nerdy, caring, emotional, fatherly, motherly, loving, etc.

Day 20 - To Parent or not to Parent

20) Do you want to be a parent why or why not?

I'm already a father. I have two wonderful boys. The oldest(6 1/2 years old) is autistic. He is nonverbal and high-functioning. His younger brother is almost 4 years old. I love them both a lot. They are a main reason I have kept myself alive. I live for them.

My wife and I want to have another child, one of our own. Since I am on hormones and spironolactone, I'm pretty much sterile at the moment. We're hoping that once I stop taking the pills, that we'll be able to conceive. We've talked about it a lot. Hopefully I am still able.

My greatest desire, though, is to be able to carry and bear a child myself. Science is getting closer everyday, but to transplant a uterus into a non-cis woman is a far ways off both politically and technically.  For now, I am content with being able to nurse our baby.