How Being Transgender MtF Has Made Me a Better Father

This post has been weighing on my mind a lot lately, and I've been working on it for many months. Even then, I feel it's woefully inadequate, so maybe I'll be adding to it for a while.  And I hope my words convey what I am feeling and touch the reader in some way, even if it's not very significant.

There's a certain calmness that came to my life after I finally accepted my identity and embraced being transgender. Because of that, because I've taken care of myself first, I am able to take care of those around me, especially of my children. Instead of being in an emotionally-charged state, I'm able to calmly walk into situations and solve them together with my boys.  You know how on an airplane, you're supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first, this totally relates!

Before accepting my identity, I fought it for many years.  I prayed God would take it away.  That never happened, He told me to wait.  He didn't say what to wait for.  I still struggle and have frequent and severe dysphoric episodes.  BUT I can now deal with it.  It doesn't completely debilitate me, and I'm able to function and continue with my parenting responsibilities. And I know there's sunshine waiting behind the clouds.  I hope I can convey this wisdom to my kids when they are struggling with the turbulence of life.

We live in an always-changing world.  Fifty years ago, being transgender or gay was rarely talked about and likely just as rarely experienced.  I think that the incidence has increased; not that those who felt this way were just as prevalent and simply suppressed their feelings, suffering in silence.  So what will the next generation bring?  What new things will the rising generation have to discover and struggle with?  I don't know, but having experienced what it's like to be transgender, to be a social outcast has taught me so much about empathy and how to truly love unconditionally.  It's taught me how to stand for myself, for my beliefs, while also listening to others' and their beliefs.  So no matter what happens in the future involving my children, I will be there for them, because I know.  I intimately know what it's like to feel alone, full of shame, lost, full of despair.  And so does Christ.  He knows exactly what I'm going through, because he experienced it for me.

In preparation for this post, I googled for some inspirational quotes on fatherhood. Here are a few that I liked:

"The greatest mark of a father is how he treats his children when no one is looking." - Dan Pearce
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." -Sigmund Freud
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me." - Jim Valvano
"Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage (parenthood) is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults." - Peter De Vries

That last quote really hits home to some of my experiences and my outlook on life.  Throughout my younger years, I was asked if I was ready.  "Are you ready for High School?"  "Are you ready to graduate?"  Are you ready for your mission?"  "Are you ready to go home (from my mission)?" "Are you ready to be a husband, father, divorcee, etc?"  The list goes on. Every time I was asked those questions and similar ones, my answer was no.  Not until I was there and had lived the new experience was I ready.  No matter how many missionary-prep classes I took or no matter how many books I read about being a parent, I didn't feel ready.  I didn't feel like a father until AFTER I had already been a father for a while.

I am grateful for my three beautiful children.  I am grateful for all the challenges they present to me as their father.  And I am grateful for the challenges that they face every day and that I can walk with them on their journeys, hopefully helping them along the way.  Sure, I'd love to be a mother, but I am their father and joyfully accept and embrace all the responsibilities that come with that sacred calling.

Humidity of Summer 2016

The humidity has been absurdly high this summer, or it seems like it anyway.  We were in Kentucky last week, and the humidity was so bad that my shoes stayed soaked with sweat for the whole duration of our stay!  On one of my runs while there, I deposited my shirt on the side of a road in a remote area near a park.  I ran a short loop through the park and was back to that spot within 20 minutes.  Sadly, my shirt was gone!  So I continued on my way for another hour or so with just my sports bra and shorts.  When I came back to give the thief a second chance, it still wasn't there.  I was pissed - it was my favorite shirt as it hugged and accentuated whatever little curves my body has.  And it was cute.  And it was my favorite singlet!! And it matched my shorts like no other of my shirts could. Why would anyone want to steal a sweaty petite running shirt?!?  Part of me wonders if they're some pervert who is now getting aroused at smelling my bodily fluids...  Oh well, I have plenty of shirts. :(

Anywho, while I was out on a run recently, I came up with a list about humidity.

As a runner you know it's humid (and miserably hot) when: -You're soaked in less than five minutes with sweat.
-Not only are your shirt, shorts, and bra soaked, but your socks and shoes are also dripping. #drippingsweat
-Your soaked shoes are still wet a couple days later. #sweatyShoes
-As you are running, sweat flies off of the ends of your hands.
-You rejoice at the sight of rain clouds but are angry when those clouds don't release a single drop. Or if it does rain, it only rains for a couple minutes, enough to raise the miserable factor yet a couple more degrees.
-You look forward to that cold shower waiting for you at home. Unless you live in Arizona where even ground water doesn't cool at night.
-You would jump at the opportunity to suffer through the hellish dry heat of the southwest US.
-After you get home and shower, you spend ten minutes wiping up the trail of sweat puddles from front door to your shower, and anywhere in between.
-You overcome your insecurities and run either entirely topless or with just your sports bra. #sportsbrasquad
-If you drive to your run, you bring a pad of some sort to place on your seat and behind your back so as not to soak your seat on the way back home. Or you bring an extra pair of clothes that also get soaked but not enough to soak your seat. #smellyCar
-No one can stand to be around you. #runnerstench -With every run, you find new ways and places your body has learned to chafe. #runnerchafe
-You long for winter.#WinterCantComeSoonEnough
-If you dare go outside, the trails and streets are void of other runners and bicyclists. #pansieRunners
-Running at four or five AM makes no difference.#sleeplessInHumidity
#miserableatanytimeofday   #humiditysucks   #keeponrunning   #ultraRunner  

Do you have any to add?

And how about some memes?

Let Your Light So Shine

I was in a meeting last night for church.  We read a lot about service, and a lot of the lesson talked about grace:

"Sharing your testimony of His mercy and His grace is one of the most important services you can offer."
. . .
"Never forget where you have come from and how you have been rescued by the grace of God. Jesus Christ will do the same 'in all cases' for those who will repent and turn to Him." - Mosiah 29:20

A few other times, the word grace came up.  To me it was further confirmation that being Grace is where I need to be.

Then today, my company had a Pride event.  The main talk was inspiring and listening to others share their stories brought tears to my eyes.  I am Grace, a transgender woman, and I am Mormon.  As I was reflecting, a passage from Christ's Sermon on the Mount came to mind:

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. - Matthew 5:14-16.

I can't hide anymore.  I am proud to be ME.  I am grateful that I live in a day and age where I can (mostly) feel safe being myself. I am grateful to Christ my Savior for the example that He set for me and for sacrificing His life for me in love.  I don't have all the answers that being transgender brings, but I do know that He died on the Cross and rose the third day.  He LIVES!  I know that God loves me and guides my everyday life.  He listens to my prayers and answers them.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God's church, and He guides it through his prophet.  I know the Book of Mormon and the Holy Bible are from God and that they are true.  I know our Heavenly Father loves us and prepared a way for us to return to Him through Jesus Christ.  By His marvelous plan, we can be together with our families into the eternities.  I know all this to be true and pray that you may find the grace of God in your lives.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Center

Over Christmas break, we drove over 3,000 miles to meet my wife's brothers and sisters and to celebrate Christmas. As we were driving through the town of one of her brothers, we were amazed at the Christmas lights at the center of town.  The lights covered the whole town square, neighboring streets, and courthouse/town hall at the center of the square.  It was so beautiful and something we rarely see anymore.  It wasn't a bunch of fast food restaurants and fashionable stores.  It was the courthouse and townhall with an outdoor ampitheater, a war memorial for valiant veterans, benches under shade trees, grass to picnic and play on, and the Ten Commandments on display.

The next day, I ran from our little motel to the center of town and was pondering the lights from the previous night and celebrations of the Christmas season. As I neared the town center, I remembered a lesson from sixth grade. Throughout history towns and villages were built so that the temple or other place of worship is at the center. The teacher asked us why we thought they did that. Why wasn't the market at the center, or the financial institution, or some other business or group of businesses, or a bunch of densely-packed residences? Most of the class answered that it was like a metaphorical focus or center to their lives. I came up with a unique answer, that if the city or fortress were attacked, then the temple would be the last building to get destroyed.  And if by some miracle a resurgence occurred, they could save the temple before the enemy pillaged or tore it down too.

So all of this was going through my mind as I ran down center street USA.  And I wondered a couple things: what happened to the classic setup of a town, why our town centers became shopping malls, and secondly, where was my own, inner center?  What is the focus of my life?

Running does that to me, it gets me to reflect on my own life.  I reflect on how things are going.  Things that need changing.  Things that need adjusting.  Things that are just right. I feel gratitude as I leap over downed trees or across streams.  I feel love for my family, both my running family and my actual family.  As I run through the forest, across the field, or along the river, I feel my heart burst with gratitude for nature and all of Creation.  That is my center: running, God, and family.

So the next question: is my life in alignment with my center?  Another question for another day.

Call Me Grace

My running club recently and secretly announced a new transgender policy. "Announced" is a strong word, perhaps "quietly posted" would be a better term.  I didn't know about it until I went to register for their annual 100-mile race. They had tucked the new policy on the registration page right under the male vs. female indication selection. The club president had sent me a couple emails a couple months prior, but I had heard nothing back, just that they were going to do something. Instead of actually coming up with something on their own, without much research, they decided to adopt the IOC policy which was adopted for the 2004 Olympics in May 2004 and basically requires three things:

1. Legal change of gender
2. SRS
3. Two years of HRT after SRS

So now, I feel that I have to disclose that I'm transgender to everyone. I feel like my privacy has been rudely invaded, and I have no choice other than to just accept it. It sucks. Really sucks.

Well, I came out to my club publicly on the Facebook group page.  The response was overwhelmingly positive and supportive.  Here's my post:

You can call me Grace.

I should have posted this a long time ago.  I'm not one to put myself out there but am completely open and honest if you can get me talking.  And I apologize for the length.  Basically, I'm transgender, and this is the gist of my story.

There's probably been a lot of talk and rumors surrounding me, especially since September when I ran Big Schloss as a female.  So this is my attempt to open the lines of communication and hopefully resolve any misunderstandings and misconceptions.  I'm grateful for all the support and acceptance I've felt from so many club members.  For a long time, I debated even registering as female and thought I'd be content staying in the shadows and running as male.  Then last year, I ran Boston as female.  At such a large event, I was one of thousands and nobody seemed to notice the gender change.  So I went along on my happy way.  For the small, local races I continued registering as male.  I guess that I wasn't ready.  I was content to be female on Strava, gender-neutral on Facebook, and female as passively as possible.  Now though, I'm ready.

My first run with the club was MGM 2013. I had moved from southwest Arizona the year before and had finally found the club.  From Hemlock, I started at the back of the pack and slowly made my way along the river.  I remember passing a few "seasoned" runners (probably the likes of Tom Corris, Gary, Clapper, etc.) while on the rocky section (little did I know that these were mere pebbles compared to the infamous rocks of MMT).  I hadn't cut my hair for over a year, so it was getting pretty long.  From behind they called me Anna (name changed; she's an amazing runner from the area) and said something about me being a fast, real runner.  I just smiled at both comments and continued down the trail.  When I ran Masochist the next year, the same thing happened - they thought I was the lead female at all the aid stations.  Anna (as I understand/remember it), caught up to me near the turn-around at Catoctin because she thought I was female.  (Then, she left me in the dust, finishing nearly 15 minutes ahead of me.)  Part of me rejoiced at being seen as female, but another part of me yearned to register in races and run as such.

When I married my wife over two years ago, she knew everything.  We agreed that together, we'd find our path and exactly how my transition fit into it.  She had never had her own kids, and we both wanted that.  So when the time was right, we worked it in.  Many times I have asked why I was born with this body.  Every time I've asked, I've felt that only I could father these three beautiful boys.  Only my genes.  As much as I want to be a mother in every way, I can't.  I am these children's father.  I am proud to be their father and rejoice in the title of daddy.  Sure I'd like to be mommy, but that just ain't gonna happen.  And I won't ask them to call me that either.

I grew up in a conservative and very-sheltered Mormon home.  Things like this weren't talked about.  So I learned to shove everything down, deep inside.  Eventually it blew up, and at about the same time, thankfully, I found ultra- and trail-running.  My life would be very different  and dismal without running in it.  Like the great Emil Zatopek, I have three great loves: God and country, my family, and running.  I embrace, support, and actively participate with my church even though it is struggling with how to handle this part of me and of others like me.

As for my name and pronouns.  You can call me whatever you want.  Crazy, fast, mental, weird, etc.  That is your right.  That is part of this great country.  I avoid confrontation almost at all costs.  That is why I haven't been vocal about my new name and preferred gender.  I do prefer you call me Grace and use female pronouns.  I won't have an anxiety attack and start demanding you apologize or change your beliefs if you or someone uses male pronouns or calls me by my old name.  For those that want to use my preferred pronouns, I understand it may take some time, and no apology is needed.  After all, that has been my name for over three and a half decades, and I'm somewhat attached.

There's a lot more to my story.  Ask me about it some time on a long run, and we can really get into it if you want.  Or feel free to ask me any questions, and I'll most likely answer them, perhaps in private.  Or send me a private message, and I can hook you up with my blog.

Happy Trails,
~Grace

"Are You a Survivor"

The race director asked me, "Are you a survivor?"  I didn't know how to respond but was humbled and grossly effected.

It was the day after my last day working as a civilian with the Army.  Saturday morning, I went on my run and decided to visit the post where I (previously) worked and run the Breast Cancer Awareness 5k that the hospital was hosting.  I had seen a flyer the day before and thought why not.  So I ran the 4-5 miles from my house to the starting line.  Right as I got there, the gun went off.  So much for registering.  The race was free, so I just jumped in and followed everyone else.  As I picked up the pace, other runners quickly fell behind me until eventually, at about two miles, I was in the lead.  I was feeling great, running at about 6:15/mile.  Not my fastest, but pretty good.  I finished with a time of 18:30, a good minute ahead of the next runner.  The race director came up to me and asked my name.   I noticed she was writing my name down as the lead female winner.  I didn't object and had a huge smile on the inside.

For the next hour or so, I stuck around and ran around the parking lot waiting for the rest of the runners to trickle in so that they could start the awards.  I grabbed some of the free food (the berry applesauce packets were delicious), drank some water, and got another six miles added to my workout.  They took a podium picture of the top three, with me in the middle.  Not long after that, the race director grabbed me and asked if I was a survivor.  Meaning, a survivor of breast cancer.  I felt the emotions surge.  At first I was elated she saw me strictly as a woman and had no idea that I am transgender.  Then I felt the gravity of the situation: other women battling a deadly disease and surviving.  I felt honored but also like I was mocking them.

Pinhoti 100

Pinhoti was a beautiful course.  I remember being super-elated around mile 30.  I was making good time, the weather was manageable, and the course was gorgeous.  Around mile 70 though, my right leg started hurting.  At about mile 52, I had also slowed down because of the fog.  That's when the winning female passed me. :(.  There was a LOT of road/fireroad running.  There was so much, next time I'll wear road shoes for the entire course, even coming off of Big Bald.


Aid station volunteers were great.  Unless it involved accurate distance to the next aid station.  At least three times, they told me the next aid station was one mile less than it actually was.  I don't know if it was intentional, but it was very annoying and frustrating.  The worst was coming from AS #15 Wormy's Pulpit at about mile 80.  They told me it was just over five miles to the next aid station comprised of first just 2 miles on the road and then a few on the trail down to Bulls Gap, AS #16.  Well, it turned out to be about 4 miles on the road (the whole time I was thinking I had missed the turn-off) and a couple miles after that.  I was PISSED.  It was cold, the rain had picked up again, and the wind made it even colder.  I was having trouble moving and was seriously concerned about hypothermia.  I was so scared, I even yelled for help a few times.  No response.  I eventually made it and besides being near hypothermic, my blood was boiling.  Erin helped me change clothes into something much warmer (I ditched both bra and heart rate monitor because the chafing was so bad), got me some food, and basically pushed me out the aid station.  As I was leaving, my right leg twinged.  I reached down, massaged it, and limped away one step at a time.

The final two aid stations are a blur.  By the time I got to the last one, the sun was up and spirits were returning.  Here they told me only 5 miles to the finish.  Well, it was over SIX!!  And almost all of it was road which my feet, knees, and legs abhorred.


Here's almost everything I ate:

• about 4 oranges
• 2 monster sandwiches (2 eggs, 2 full pieces of bacon, half avocado, costco torta roll, 4 slices of thick oscar-meyer mesquite turkey)
• about 4 pb&j sandwiches
• 15-20 scoops of TailWind
• 1 cup ramen noodles
• 1 cup loaded tomato soup - super delicious at AS #14 The Pinnacle, mile 75
• 1/2 peanut butter cliff bar
• half costco torta roll
• half chicken quesadilla
• 1 cup ginger ale
• 1/2 small can ginger ale
• 2 small pieces of ginger
• 2 scoops of Costco whey protein (27 g protein / serving)
• water, lots of water
• 4+ scoops Heed
• avocado
• small serving sweet potato
• potatoes with salt (about 1 medium total)
• 2 pickles and some pickle juice
• 0 cookies
• 0 gummy bears
• 0 gu/gel
• 0 bananas :(

Equipment

• Cheap Wal-Mart disposable poncho from start to first aid station and again later next morning
• Asics Kayano 20 from start to AS #7, Bald Rock, about 38 miles with Asics socks.  Worked great.  Felt a little movement and beginning of blisters.
• La Sportiva Raptor from AS #7 to AS #13, Porter's Gap, about mile 68 with puma socks.  They were great going down from Bald Rock but otherwise KILLED my feet, especially on the roads.
• Brooks Cascadia with green compression socks to the finish.  I think the socks are what hurt my right leg.  I suspect that they were pulled up too far and bruised the tendons on the back of my knee deep in the calf muscle.  These shoes were pretty much new and definitely too small.  Both of my big toes will lose their toenails as a result and a few other toes will lose theirs too.  Again, they were great except on the road and that they're a little small.
• I started with my blue/green Marine Corps Marathon Brooks Volunteer shirt but it seemed to soak up water and caused most of the chafing on my back.  So I switched it early on for the good ol' blue VHTRC short-sleeved shirt.  Later I donned one of my MMT shirts and finished the last 15 miles with the blue double-layer Patagonia MMTR shirt.
• I wore my new Asics shorts from the ATM team the entire time.  Chafing between my legs was minimal.
• Bag Balm did wonders.  I applied some between my legs early on but don't think I needed it. Then at the Bulls Gap AS, Erin put some on my back where the chafing was real bad.  It did wonders and really helped!
• A headlamp in the fog was almost worse than no headlamp. So I grabbed one of my bike lights from my bag as soon as I saw Erin and held it most of the way.  At times I used both the handheld and the headlamp to light my way.  I also used the portable battery/light after I had charged my watch.

Recovery
They had showers across the street from the finish.  The water was cold, so feeling more irate, I skipped the shower.  Then we headed back to the breakfast near the finish line.  It looked disgusting (fake scrambled eggs, warmed-up biscuits and gravy, and some bacon), so we just left with my shiny new buckle.  We found a delicious vegan restaurant in Chattanooga using the Happy Cow app.  The food was exactly what both my mouth and stomach needed since my mouth gets real sensitive if it has had too many carbs and sugar.

Lessons Learned

• organize drop/crew bag.  Label bags with aid station to minimize time at aid station and make it easier for crew.
• eat towards the end of the race too
• start even slower
• I can walk pretty fast.
• have a handheld light ready in case there's fog
• get a new hydration pack with more front storage
• The deluxe avocado, egg, bacon, turkey sandwiches taste great but are heavy to carry.  Cut in half or try some wraps instead.
• spend less time at aid stations
• ask about the type of running surface; I think a pair of road shoes would have done just fine on the whole course

  

  The start!  With my very fashionable rain jacket.

  
  

  

  Coming in to the 2nd aid station

  
  

  

  Boardwalk on top of the mountain.
  It was all foggy when I got here.
  Supposedly the view is amazing.

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Looking at my watch, pumped legs, wearing the cheap Marine Corps and carrying my rain jacket