2016 in Review

2016. What a year!

Here are the races I ran:
Jan 1, Red Eye Fat Ass (50k), Virginia, 2nd place, 4:40
Reverse Ring (71 mile), 2nd Place, 19:30
April, Boston Marathon, 2:58
July , Vermont 100, 2nd place, 20:
September , Ring, 2nd place, 17:51
October

Father, my Greatest Calling

The past couple weeks I've been seriously considering taking a break from church. Our Bishop ignores me, won't give me a calling or even let me speak or pray. And after he asked me to serve as Sunday school president, he never asked the ward to sustain me in sacrament and called someone else. And yet, in our previous ward, I had my temple recommend, but he won't even meet with me for an interview to renew my temple recommend. He's lied to me and ignored me, and I can't take it anymore. I really feel useless and unwanted. I am out to most of the ward members, and they are mostly accepting. Anyway, I was resolute that I would stay home today, but the deaf sister in our ward accepted my Facebook friend request yesterday and messaged me that she'd see me at church. So I went. And that sister beautifully bore her testimony today. Then the last testimony was from a former bishop of our ward, now a stake presidency counselor, from Samoa. I could really feel his love and Christ's love through him. Then his father-in-law, also a former bishop of the ward, gave the closing prayer, and it felt that he was praying solely for me.

I usually drag myself to priesthood, but today I just sat in the foyer. About halfway through the third hour, a sister from primary brought me our oldest, autistic son. So I kept him with me for a little bit. I heard the primary singing and decided to take him back in and just enjoy the presence of spiritual giants in small bodies beautifully singing. We have another deaf member in our ward, and he missed the primary program from a couple weeks ago (we missed it too since we were gallivanting about all around the country) so they were performing it for him. For every single song, they had one of the older kids signing it for him. That alone broke open the tear ducts. Their last song was one that they all helped write, and the wonderful primary chorister put it to music. It was about feeling the Spirit and loving each other. Truly beautiful. There was no holding back the tears after that! After they finished and had prayer, I thanked the chorister and told her it was beautiful. Then she told me about the song that they wrote, that Gavin (our middle child) had contributed one of the chorus' main lines, to love each other "no matter what". Yeah, a flood of tears upon hearing that...

Throughout my journey and from my many supplications, the Spirit has told me that I was given this male body for the sole purpose of bringing our three boys into this world. For some reason, they needed my DNA as their father. So today, that was reaffirmed in a way. I need to go to Primary with our oldest to help with him. And anyway, RS and priesthood and Sunday school are boring - primary is where it's at. :P That is my calling, whether or not the bishop extends it and has me sustained. That is where I am needed and am supposed to be. That is where I will stand and where I will lift.

It's There, Always There

From the time I wake up in the morning until I go to bed at night it's there, always there.
When I get out of bed it's there.
When I use the bathroom it's there.
When I change clothes it's there.
It's there the entire morning, always there.
It's always reminding me what I am and what I am not.

When I'm brushing my teeeth,
eating a meal,
washing my hands,
playing with my kids,
going on a run,
working on the house or in the garden,
talking with friends,
driving to work,
watching a show,
at the grocery store,
or winding down for the night.
It's there, always there.

Like the oil stain on the driveway,
It's always been there
No amount of scrubbing or tugging makes it go away.
Cause it's there, permanently and inexorably there. Always there

Like the puppy vying for attention,
yelping for love and comfort and play and food.
No amount of love, cuddling,  and nourishment satiates it.
Cause it's there, always there.

Oh, that I could free myself from it!
Break free from it's presence,
from it's constant enslavement.
That is my dream, that it's not there, never there.
Cause it shouldn't be there.

November Project at Lincoln Memorial

My name is Grace. I'm one of those crazy runners who runs ultra marathons (that's any distance beyond the iconic 26.2 miles). I've run 100 miles in under 24 hours. I've also run a few marathons and a bunch of 10 km road races too. Most of my runs and races have been on trails all across this beautiful nation. I've had the immeasurable pleasure of running in the deserts of Arizona, the forests of southern California, the mountains of Utah, national parks and forests of Virginia, the Talladega National Forest in Alabama, and so many more places. Running has shaped a lot of who I am.

I grew up out west and spent more time camping during the summer than not. From Boy Scout camps all over Utah, California, Arizona, Wyoming, Idaho, and Colorado to church camps and family adventures all over the western United States, I spent a lot of my young life outside and treasure our nation's protected parks and forests. I earned my Eagle award and am a Vigil Honor recipient in the Order of the Arrow, scouting's honor society of camping.

In school, I learned about our nation and its history. In elementary, I wrote a report about one of our nation's greatest leaders, Abraham Lincoln. In junior high, I competed on the school's Constitution Bowl team and had the entire Bill of Rights and most of the other Amendments to the Constitution memorized. In high school, I had the opportunity to do an internship with my local state congressman. In freshman English at college, we thoroughly analyzed and discussed Reverend King's infamous speech. How I yearned to go to DC someday to see the Lincoln Memorial, the White House, the Capitol, and so many more of the great landmarks scattered across the district and the general region that I had learned about in school.

After college, I got a job in Arizona working for the US Army. I loved it there and thought I'd never leave but got a job at Fort Belvoir six years later. I couldn't believe it, I was 15 miles from the nation's capital! But I rarely came into the district because of traffic and the hoards of people. My western roots vied for more space.

Then I got a job in DC. I had heard of this group called November Project but was skeptical.  As an ultra runner, I felt that I needed to run at least ten miles a day, and I usually preferred to run alone for personal quiet time. Then a dear ultra runner friend invited me to join about the same time that I started commuting into DC. How could a short half-hour workout help my training!? I came anyway and don't regret the decision. I am a better person and runner because of this group.

I had struggled to find a safe place where people accepted my gender identity without reservation. This amazing group though, did just that. Without batting an eye, they took me in with open arms and a warm embrace, literally. They are living and promoting the Reverend's dream.

In a nation that is struggling to find itself, struggling to connect peaceably with each other, we need more community. In a nation where communities live in fear of being gunned down, we need more open and respectful discussion. In a nation where guns are flying off the shelves in fear, we need more human connection, more hugs, more excitement, more positivity.

For nearly three years, this group has met in the shadows of President Lincoln and also run past the inscription that memorializes where Reverend King stood on that momentous day over fifty three years ago.  

That inscription reads "I have a dream. Martin Luther King, Jr. The march on Washington for jobs and freedom. August 28, 1963." At November Project workouts, everyone is welcome. Everyone gets a hug. Everyone holds hands. Regardless of skin color, religion, age, sex, fitness level, political views, sexual preference or gender identity. Everyone watches the sun as it slowly rises above Washington Monument.  This is November Project!

In the words of Reverend King we invite you to join us, "We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back."

How Being Transgender MtF Has Made Me a Better Father

This post has been weighing on my mind a lot lately, and I've been working on it for many months. Even then, I feel it's woefully inadequate, so maybe I'll be adding to it for a while.  And I hope my words convey what I am feeling and touch the reader in some way, even if it's not very significant.

There's a certain calmness that came to my life after I finally accepted my identity and embraced being transgender. Because of that, because I've taken care of myself first, I am able to take care of those around me, especially of my children. Instead of being in an emotionally-charged state, I'm able to calmly walk into situations and solve them together with my boys.  You know how on an airplane, you're supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first, this totally relates!

Before accepting my identity, I fought it for many years.  I prayed God would take it away.  That never happened, He told me to wait.  He didn't say what to wait for.  I still struggle and have frequent and severe dysphoric episodes.  BUT I can now deal with it.  It doesn't completely debilitate me, and I'm able to function and continue with my parenting responsibilities. And I know there's sunshine waiting behind the clouds.  I hope I can convey this wisdom to my kids when they are struggling with the turbulence of life.

We live in an always-changing world.  Fifty years ago, being transgender or gay was rarely talked about and likely just as rarely experienced.  I think that the incidence has increased; not that those who felt this way were just as prevalent and simply suppressed their feelings, suffering in silence.  So what will the next generation bring?  What new things will the rising generation have to discover and struggle with?  I don't know, but having experienced what it's like to be transgender, to be a social outcast has taught me so much about empathy and how to truly love unconditionally.  It's taught me how to stand for myself, for my beliefs, while also listening to others' and their beliefs.  So no matter what happens in the future involving my children, I will be there for them, because I know.  I intimately know what it's like to feel alone, full of shame, lost, full of despair.  And so does Christ.  He knows exactly what I'm going through, because he experienced it for me.

In preparation for this post, I googled for some inspirational quotes on fatherhood. Here are a few that I liked:

"The greatest mark of a father is how he treats his children when no one is looking." - Dan Pearce
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." -Sigmund Freud
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me." - Jim Valvano
"Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage (parenthood) is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults." - Peter De Vries

That last quote really hits home to some of my experiences and my outlook on life.  Throughout my younger years, I was asked if I was ready.  "Are you ready for High School?"  "Are you ready to graduate?"  Are you ready for your mission?"  "Are you ready to go home (from my mission)?" "Are you ready to be a husband, father, divorcee, etc?"  The list goes on. Every time I was asked those questions and similar ones, my answer was no.  Not until I was there and had lived the new experience was I ready.  No matter how many missionary-prep classes I took or no matter how many books I read about being a parent, I didn't feel ready.  I didn't feel like a father until AFTER I had already been a father for a while.

I am grateful for my three beautiful children.  I am grateful for all the challenges they present to me as their father.  And I am grateful for the challenges that they face every day and that I can walk with them on their journeys, hopefully helping them along the way.  Sure, I'd love to be a mother, but I am their father and joyfully accept and embrace all the responsibilities that come with that sacred calling.

Humidity of Summer 2016

The humidity has been absurdly high this summer, or it seems like it anyway.  We were in Kentucky last week, and the humidity was so bad that my shoes stayed soaked with sweat for the whole duration of our stay!  On one of my runs while there, I deposited my shirt on the side of a road in a remote area near a park.  I ran a short loop through the park and was back to that spot within 20 minutes.  Sadly, my shirt was gone!  So I continued on my way for another hour or so with just my sports bra and shorts.  When I came back to give the thief a second chance, it still wasn't there.  I was pissed - it was my favorite shirt as it hugged and accentuated whatever little curves my body has.  And it was cute.  And it was my favorite singlet!! And it matched my shorts like no other of my shirts could. Why would anyone want to steal a sweaty petite running shirt?!?  Part of me wonders if they're some pervert who is now getting aroused at smelling my bodily fluids...  Oh well, I have plenty of shirts. :(

Anywho, while I was out on a run recently, I came up with a list about humidity.

As a runner you know it's humid (and miserably hot) when: -You're soaked in less than five minutes with sweat.
-Not only are your shirt, shorts, and bra soaked, but your socks and shoes are also dripping. #drippingsweat
-Your soaked shoes are still wet a couple days later. #sweatyShoes
-As you are running, sweat flies off of the ends of your hands.
-You rejoice at the sight of rain clouds but are angry when those clouds don't release a single drop. Or if it does rain, it only rains for a couple minutes, enough to raise the miserable factor yet a couple more degrees.
-You look forward to that cold shower waiting for you at home. Unless you live in Arizona where even ground water doesn't cool at night.
-You would jump at the opportunity to suffer through the hellish dry heat of the southwest US.
-After you get home and shower, you spend ten minutes wiping up the trail of sweat puddles from front door to your shower, and anywhere in between.
-You overcome your insecurities and run either entirely topless or with just your sports bra. #sportsbrasquad
-If you drive to your run, you bring a pad of some sort to place on your seat and behind your back so as not to soak your seat on the way back home. Or you bring an extra pair of clothes that also get soaked but not enough to soak your seat. #smellyCar
-No one can stand to be around you. #runnerstench -With every run, you find new ways and places your body has learned to chafe. #runnerchafe
-You long for winter.#WinterCantComeSoonEnough
-If you dare go outside, the trails and streets are void of other runners and bicyclists. #pansieRunners
-Running at four or five AM makes no difference.#sleeplessInHumidity
#miserableatanytimeofday   #humiditysucks   #keeponrunning   #ultraRunner  

Do you have any to add?

And how about some memes?

Let Your Light So Shine

I was in a meeting last night for church.  We read a lot about service, and a lot of the lesson talked about grace:

"Sharing your testimony of His mercy and His grace is one of the most important services you can offer."
. . .
"Never forget where you have come from and how you have been rescued by the grace of God. Jesus Christ will do the same 'in all cases' for those who will repent and turn to Him." - Mosiah 29:20

A few other times, the word grace came up.  To me it was further confirmation that being Grace is where I need to be.

Then today, my company had a Pride event.  The main talk was inspiring and listening to others share their stories brought tears to my eyes.  I am Grace, a transgender woman, and I am Mormon.  As I was reflecting, a passage from Christ's Sermon on the Mount came to mind:

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. - Matthew 5:14-16.

I can't hide anymore.  I am proud to be ME.  I am grateful that I live in a day and age where I can (mostly) feel safe being myself. I am grateful to Christ my Savior for the example that He set for me and for sacrificing His life for me in love.  I don't have all the answers that being transgender brings, but I do know that He died on the Cross and rose the third day.  He LIVES!  I know that God loves me and guides my everyday life.  He listens to my prayers and answers them.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God's church, and He guides it through his prophet.  I know the Book of Mormon and the Holy Bible are from God and that they are true.  I know our Heavenly Father loves us and prepared a way for us to return to Him through Jesus Christ.  By His marvelous plan, we can be together with our families into the eternities.  I know all this to be true and pray that you may find the grace of God in your lives.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.