Day 22 - Careers and Trans

22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice

So far it hasn't. Since I'm not out, being trans hasn't really affected my job. I do wonder how many of my coworkers have suspicions. Having long curly hair isn't exactly a giveaway, but since I often paint my nails or wear a little makeup, they must have suspected something.

Even if I were out, I don't suspect I'd have to change my career choice or anything. I'm still a nerd that loves math, science, and technology. And working in the industry that I do, it's more about the product than the presentation that matters.

Day 21 - Cis-gendered Community

21) Your views on the cis-gendered community

I'm jealous. To not have to worry about something so crucial, so much a part of a person, is a great blessing. To know one's own identity in life is vital to lasting joy. So how do I get there? What bliss they must live in, many completely ignorant of the struggle we deal with on a daily or even hourly basis.

I used to be homophobic. I was ignorant and prejudiced. Now that I have let down my guard, gotten to know some people that struggle with SSA, I understand a little better. As I've let go of my premonitions, I've grown in empathy not only for those in the LGBT community but for everyone different from me. I hope those in the cis-gendered community have the same opportunity to reach out to and understand others, especially us transgender folk.

Idiot Drivers

I've been pondering this post for a few days, ever since my run Saturday night. I've also debated the title of the post, either "Idiot Drivers", "Safety and Running", or "Why I Avoid Roads and Stick to Trails". I chose the former since it's more sensational and truly expresses how I feel.

I was out for my second run on Saturday. In the morning, I had run 16 miles at a decent pace, 7:30/mile. But to reach my goal of 85 miles for the week, I went on a second run, late Saturday evening. Since it was dark, I donned my white shirt, reflective vest, and headlamp. I wasn't expecting to run very fast thinking my legs were tired from the long week and also from the morning's run. My legs were fine; I turned around with about a 8 min/mile pace at one hour, 15 minutes. Sometimes I limit my runs based on distance, sometimes on the amount of time I had. For this run, I had only 2 1/2 hours. I was feeling pretty good, so I picked up the pace.

With just over a couple miles left, I was running up this long hill. It was a semi-busy road, but had a dedicated bike and pedestrian lane. With my reflective vest and white shirt, cars could easily see me from behind with plenty of time to react. So here I am, chugging up this hill, trying to keep my pace consistent while also keeping my heart rate down when a car blasts his horn at me. Not once, but twice!  Then as he passes me on the right to turn right (since there's a turning lane to turn right, and the bike lane continues between the "straight" lane and turning lane), he has his window rolled down and yells something at me. Already completely startled, frightened and hence in fight or flight, I give him the double-bird and maybe curse at him. Not at all Christlike, I admit. But anyone that honks their horn at me, gets a minimum single bird. This guy deserved the double. So as a warning to all idiot drivers, DON'T HONK your horn at me! Horn means danger, and I'll react as such. And don't flash your brights if I'm running towards you. I really need to be able to see the ground and other obstacles in front of me. If you want to say hi or cheer me on, then please slow down, roll down your window and offer appropriate words of encouragement. But please, don't honk your horn unless I am in danger, probably because you aren't paying attention and failed to see me with my bright headlamp and reflective clothing. Right after this incident, still going up the hill and before the first car finished turning, a second car decided to join the honk-fest. Bird for you too mister!

Needless to say, my heart rate averaged a lot higher on that hill than I was planning, above 170 bpm. And not to be stereotypical, not too much anyway, I've noticed that jerks that feel it's necessary to honk at me or flash their brights in my eyes are usually aggressive male drivers in big trucks. Big trucks for their big egos and lack of consideration for others.

Hormones and Running

A couple weeks ago, as I was out running, I was pondering things. My Bishop has been encouraging me to work on stopping hormones. I think I resented him at first; he simply doesn't understand why I am taking them. He sees it as a step towards surgery, that it's basically the same thing since I'm transforming my body. So, anyway, I was out running. Here's what I wrote in my journal that night:

I didn't run very far this morning, just a short 1-hour run. But it was very good for my mental health; it was very therapeutic. I thought a lot about the 100-mile race in May and how to prepare (I'm nervous and very worried about the technicality and extreme difficulty of the race.) I also thought a lot about Grace, hormones, God, our Bishop, etc. In the past, whenever I prayed about taking hormones, I felt that it was temporary, that someday I would stop taking hormones and wouldn't need them. On my run, I came to the conclusion that that time is drawing nigh. At first I thought I'd stop right away so that my training could benefit all the more. Then I realized I should slowly taper it instead of trying to go it "cold-turkey". I'm very worried how I'll react, how my psyche and my emotions will handle the increased testosterone levels. Just the last 6-7 weeks of taking finasteride instead of spironolactone were very difficult. (My testosterone levels jumped up and my estrogen dropped). How will I be able stop taking all of the medication, estrogen and anti-androgens? I do have much support from my wife. And starting next month, I'll be seeing a psychiatrist. I hope I get the right anti-depressant meds this time, that I can get balanced chemically. Somehow we'll all get through it.

After my run that day, I told my wife of my plans. As always, she expressed her love and never-ending support. I also realized that it had been exactly one year since I had started taking hormones again, this time with regular lab work and a prescription. From 2009-2011, I had taken estrogen and spironolactone off and on, with pills I had ordered from the Internet. During 2012, I took none to try and save my marriage. I'm scared 2014 will be like 2012, full of depression and feelings of being lost. The year was awful. I tried so hard to suppress and eliminate or annihilate my feminine side and to be masculine for my now ex-wife. My plan this time around is to embrace all of me, especially Grace. I will continue attending transgender group support meetings, seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, running a lot, praying, searching my soul, reading everything I can, and wearing whatever clothing I want - male, female, or androgynous. I will just be me: girly, frilly, nerdy, caring, emotional, fatherly, motherly, loving, etc.

Day 20 - To Parent or not to Parent

20) Do you want to be a parent why or why not?

I'm already a father. I have two wonderful boys. The oldest(6 1/2 years old) is autistic. He is nonverbal and high-functioning. His younger brother is almost 4 years old. I love them both a lot. They are a main reason I have kept myself alive. I live for them.

My wife and I want to have another child, one of our own. Since I am on hormones and spironolactone, I'm pretty much sterile at the moment. We're hoping that once I stop taking the pills, that we'll be able to conceive. We've talked about it a lot. Hopefully I am still able.

My greatest desire, though, is to be able to carry and bear a child myself. Science is getting closer everyday, but to transplant a uterus into a non-cis woman is a far ways off both politically and technically.  For now, I am content with being able to nurse our baby.

Lab results

I got my lab results back from the blood drawn on Monday. For the last month and a half, I was on Finasteride and 4 mg Estrace. Before that I was taking 100 mg Spironolactone per day instead of the Finasteride. I could definitely feel a difference, and the lab results verified it. I could tell that my testosterone was higher for a couple reasons: my running was improving (I was running a bit faster) and the dysphoria seemed to be raging. I also felt a lot more anger. So in talking with my endo, we decided to go back on the spiro for the next few months. My testosterone was 124 (5 times higher than before) and estrogen was halved to 70.

Back in October, my lab results indicated a high amount of AST. It was twice as high as the highest it should be and about more than three times higher than it normally is for me. But the ALT measurement was within normal, healthy range. AST and ALT are indicators of liver health (see Apartate Transaminase on Wikipedia). But AST is also present in cardiac and skeletal muscle, the kidneys, brain, and red blood cells. ALT is found in those other types of tissue but not significantly. ALT is focused mainly on the liver. The endo was worried about my liver and suggested that maybe I had drunk some alcohol the night before causing the spike. I did the research and found that the AST sometimes spikes after intense exercise. My blood was drawn Monday morning, a couple days after I ran the Ragnar relay. I remember still hurting a week after since I ran hard and covered for another runner that had dropped off of our team. So for now, I attribute the elevated AST to the weekend of fun with fellow Ragnar teammates. I'm glad that the AST result with the latest draw is back to normal.

Day 19 - Religion

19) If you're religious how do your views affect being trans? If you're not religious, what about your family's religion(s)?

I was born into an LDS(Mormon) family. I was one of six kids - five boys and one girl; kind of. We attended services almost every Sunday, even going while on vacation. I was about 10 years old when I first learned about the ability of surgeons to transform a male body into a female one. Even then, I was more than just curious. I yearned for it. But that was not appropriate and frowned upon. The Church teaches that "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." So I didn't think about the feelings I had felt. I stashed them away, because I had a penis and was a boy. I stuffed them aside.

The church also has some rules on transsexual surgery. One of them says that elective transsexual surgery may be cause for disciplinary action (excommunication). Another rule is that anyone who has had a transsexual surgery may not hold a temple recommend. A temple recommend allows the holder to enter the temple. Temples are special buildings that have their history back to Adam. Sacrifices and other cermonies were performed in the temple. Moses had a type of temporary temple that the children of Israel carried with them through the wilderness. So today, we make special, sacred covenants with God in the temple. Being in the temple is about as close to being in Heaven with our Heavenly Father while still being here on the Earth.

Being a member of this church has brought me a lot of joy, comfort, support, peace, friendship, and spiritual growth. I know it is God's church. I know it is led by a prophet of God. The principles it teaches are true and from God. Some members that have similar feelings to me or members that have same-sex attraction have struggled with the Church. For some reason, I have stayed close to the Church and tried following the counsel of leaders as best I can. Throughout the past few years, it has been Christ, his teachings and the teachings of the Church that have brought me through to the other side. It has been difficult as local leaders have asked different things from me. One saw how much the hormones have given me balance and helped align my brain chemistry. Another one just couldn't understand why I even had these feelings and that I should ignore them. Another one thinks taking hormones is similar to the surgery and could warrant discipline. Official rules aren't very clear and so it's up to local leaders to interpret them. I do know that whenever I pray about taking hormones, the answer I receive is to continue taking them.