Day 20 - To Parent or not to Parent

20) Do you want to be a parent why or why not?

I'm already a father. I have two wonderful boys. The oldest(6 1/2 years old) is autistic. He is nonverbal and high-functioning. His younger brother is almost 4 years old. I love them both a lot. They are a main reason I have kept myself alive. I live for them.

My wife and I want to have another child, one of our own. Since I am on hormones and spironolactone, I'm pretty much sterile at the moment. We're hoping that once I stop taking the pills, that we'll be able to conceive. We've talked about it a lot. Hopefully I am still able.

My greatest desire, though, is to be able to carry and bear a child myself. Science is getting closer everyday, but to transplant a uterus into a non-cis woman is a far ways off both politically and technically.  For now, I am content with being able to nurse our baby.

Lab results

I got my lab results back from the blood drawn on Monday. For the last month and a half, I was on Finasteride and 4 mg Estrace. Before that I was taking 100 mg Spironolactone per day instead of the Finasteride. I could definitely feel a difference, and the lab results verified it. I could tell that my testosterone was higher for a couple reasons: my running was improving (I was running a bit faster) and the dysphoria seemed to be raging. I also felt a lot more anger. So in talking with my endo, we decided to go back on the spiro for the next few months. My testosterone was 124 (5 times higher than before) and estrogen was halved to 70.

Back in October, my lab results indicated a high amount of AST. It was twice as high as the highest it should be and about more than three times higher than it normally is for me. But the ALT measurement was within normal, healthy range. AST and ALT are indicators of liver health (see Apartate Transaminase on Wikipedia). But AST is also present in cardiac and skeletal muscle, the kidneys, brain, and red blood cells. ALT is found in those other types of tissue but not significantly. ALT is focused mainly on the liver. The endo was worried about my liver and suggested that maybe I had drunk some alcohol the night before causing the spike. I did the research and found that the AST sometimes spikes after intense exercise. My blood was drawn Monday morning, a couple days after I ran the Ragnar relay. I remember still hurting a week after since I ran hard and covered for another runner that had dropped off of our team. So for now, I attribute the elevated AST to the weekend of fun with fellow Ragnar teammates. I'm glad that the AST result with the latest draw is back to normal.

Day 19 - Religion

19) If you're religious how do your views affect being trans? If you're not religious, what about your family's religion(s)?

I was born into an LDS(Mormon) family. I was one of six kids - five boys and one girl; kind of. We attended services almost every Sunday, even going while on vacation. I was about 10 years old when I first learned about the ability of surgeons to transform a male body into a female one. Even then, I was more than just curious. I yearned for it. But that was not appropriate and frowned upon. The Church teaches that "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." So I didn't think about the feelings I had felt. I stashed them away, because I had a penis and was a boy. I stuffed them aside.

The church also has some rules on transsexual surgery. One of them says that elective transsexual surgery may be cause for disciplinary action (excommunication). Another rule is that anyone who has had a transsexual surgery may not hold a temple recommend. A temple recommend allows the holder to enter the temple. Temples are special buildings that have their history back to Adam. Sacrifices and other cermonies were performed in the temple. Moses had a type of temporary temple that the children of Israel carried with them through the wilderness. So today, we make special, sacred covenants with God in the temple. Being in the temple is about as close to being in Heaven with our Heavenly Father while still being here on the Earth.

Being a member of this church has brought me a lot of joy, comfort, support, peace, friendship, and spiritual growth. I know it is God's church. I know it is led by a prophet of God. The principles it teaches are true and from God. Some members that have similar feelings to me or members that have same-sex attraction have struggled with the Church. For some reason, I have stayed close to the Church and tried following the counsel of leaders as best I can. Throughout the past few years, it has been Christ, his teachings and the teachings of the Church that have brought me through to the other side. It has been difficult as local leaders have asked different things from me. One saw how much the hormones have given me balance and helped align my brain chemistry. Another one just couldn't understand why I even had these feelings and that I should ignore them. Another one thinks taking hormones is similar to the surgery and could warrant discipline. Official rules aren't very clear and so it's up to local leaders to interpret them. I do know that whenever I pray about taking hormones, the answer I receive is to continue taking them.

Day 18 - Trans laws

18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live

I'm ashamed since I'm not very familiar with the laws in the state I reside in. I do know that employers can dismiss an employee for being transgender and get away with it. Last year, I went to the Keystone Conference in Pennsylvania. The keynote speaker talked about legislation that various groups are pushing at federal and state levels. A lot of the legislation is to get health services covered. My insurance used to deny any health service, even psychotherapy visits, that had a diagnosis treatment code anything related to being transgender. My therapist at the time instead changed the treatment code to one treating PTSD(Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Now the insurance company has eased back a little and covers even hormones. One thing they don't cover is any of the surgeries - I'm told that is in the works. I'm not concerned about losing my job. My job is pretty secure. Even if I did come out at work, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be fired. As for surgeries. Sure it would be nice to have that covered in case I got to that point that it was necessary. Right now though, my path is to not get surgery. As much as I want it, it's just not in my future.

Day 17 - Binding

17) What's your binding choice and why

I don't bind. My therapist asked if I did to show my budding breasts. Not because she thought I was on the small side but because she worried I was showing too much and would be figured out at work. Binding isn't for me. If people find out, fine. I also don't tuck. I think both are ways of hiding. I'm done hiding.

Day 16 - Rock Anthem

16) What's your rock anthem and why

I'm not much of a music person. As a runner, I really like "Eye of the Tiger" and "Chariots of Fire". Those two songs get me fired up for runs. But I don't listen to music on runs; I'd rather have my thoughts and sounds of nature than try to listen to music on my runs!

Music is indeed powerful. I took an art appreciation class as a freshman in college to fulfill a general education requirement. The professor focused on music and read this poem to us at the end of the course, changing "Art" to "Music".

I AM MUSIC
Servant and Master am I; Servant of those dead and
Master of those living.
Through me, spirits of immortals speak the message
that makes the world weep and laugh, and
wonder and worship.
I tell the story of love, the story of hate, the story
that saves, and the story that damns.
I am the incense upon which prayers float to Heaven.
I am the smoke which palls over the field of
battle where men are dying with me on their lips.

I am close to the marriage altar, and when the graves
open, I stand nearby.

I call the wanderer home, I rescue the soul from the
depths, I open the lips of the lovers, and through
the dead, whisper to the living.
One I serve as I serve all, and the king I make my
slave as easily as I subject his slave
I speak through the birds of the air, the insects of
the fields, the crash of water on rock-ribbed
shores I am even heard by the soul that knows me in the
clatter of wheels on city streets.
I know no brother, yet all men are my brothers:
I am the father of the best that is in them,
and they are the father of the best that is in me.

I am the instrument of God. I AM MUSIC.

There are many songs, mostly hymns that inspire me. Some remind me of good times, of hard times, of emotional times. A year ago, I was really into Cristina Perri and Adele. I also like Plain White T's, Josh Groban, Depeche Mode, U2, Journey and others. But give me some good classical music over pop music any day! Bach's "Jesu Meine Freude" tops the list.

Day 15 - Embrace Trans Identity

15) How have you embraced your trans identity?

I'm not afraid anymore to be trans. I grew up with the idea that being transgender was bad, or to have feelings of same-sex attraction was not natural and couldn't be from God. After a couple years of intense behavioral therapy and addiction recovery, my view softened. I started embracing all parts of me.

But how do I embrace my trans identity? I'm not afraid if someone finds out. I haven't told anyone but close family. Even if other family members or coworkers found out, I'd be okay with that. I'm sure some people suspect, but nobody has confronted me about it or asked about it.