2014 Recap

A little late, but I still thought I should add a quick summary of last year.

• We bought a house
• Both boys now live with us
• Running and racing
• Boston Marathon, April 21, 2:52:10 - PR!!!, 1151st of 31925 finishers, 32458 starters, 35671 registered
• MMT, 103 miles, May 17, 27:22:21, 40th of 192
• VT100 - dropped from waitlist
• Catoctin 50k, July 26, 6:01, 10th of 161
• The Ring, 71 miles, Aug 30, 17:52, 3rd of 25
• New River Trail 50k, Oct 11, 3:40, First of 121
• PB&J 50k, Oct 18, 4:23, First of 58
• MMTR, 51 miles, Nov 1, 8:20, 13th of 242 finishers, 312 starters, 354 registered
• MGM 50k, Dec 13, 4:23, First of 167
• Boyers Furnace, 40 miles, Dec 27, 8:20, 3rd of 40
• Red Eye 50k, Jan 1 2015, 4:29, First of 131
• Ran 2600 miles (372:22 h:m), averaged 12.4 miles (1:46:54) per run, 207000 Calories
• In 2013: 1631 miles (210:30), average 11.7 miles (1:30:52), , 151910 Calories
• Biked 1150 miles (75:48 h:m), averaged 4.6 miles () per ride, 42500 Calories
• Got job offer to teach at local community college (because of schedule conflict couldn't start until Spring semester 2015)
• Stopped taking hormones in February
• Conceived a child
• Got back on hormones in mid-November
• learned how to cook lots of things including bread (gluten-free bread too)
• came out as transgender at work

So looking at the accomplishments for the last year, I've been thinking about some goals for this year. Some of them are more of things I'd like to focus on than a specific, concrete goal.

• Reduce debt (I know, it's not specific)
• Running and Racing
• Run MMT under 24 hours
• Improve MMTR time
• Run the Reverse Ring
• Improve the Ring time
• Run 3,000 miles
• Get a second car
• Finish translating Patriarchal Blessing into mission language
• Spend more time with family
• Type journal for 2010-2014 (2012 is almost done)
• get all teeth fixed
• Save 3 months worth of expenses in emergency account
• Finish reading BoM in mission language and in English with family
• Get sealed to wife, my already-eternal companion
• Plant and maintain garden
• stain playset in backyard

Job

While on an LDS mission, my companion and I read the entire book of Job over a few morning study sessions. Up to that point , I didn't really know the story of Job. Since then, his story has stuck with me. Then this past Sunday, my wife and I taught our Primary class of 9 year-olds about Job.

Job was quite wealthy. He had "seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses." Even in today's industrial standards, that's a lot of livestock! And he had the servants to take care of all those animals and his household. That's quite an operation. Clearly, Job was a blessed man. Not only that, he was faithful to the Lord.

 

In the first few chapters of the book, God and Satan have an interesting discussion about Job. Satan claims that Job is faithful only because of his prosperity. So God allows Satan to try Job. Everything is taken away from Job, even his seven sons and three daughters die. And yet, Job remains faithful. Then Job gets boils which are an infection of hair follicles "resulting in a painful swollen area on the skin caused by an accumulation of pus and dead tissue." (http://en.wikipedia.org/Boils).  That sounds painful.  And Job had them all over his body!  And yet, Job remains faithful to the Lord.  Then his friends turn on him and tell him is afflictions are his fault.  With nobody to support him, with nothing to his name, Job still remains faithful to the Lord.

Continuing the lesson, I shared Joseph Smith's experience in Liberty Jail. He was feeling depressed and alone. This was his answer:

 7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

 10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job. (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-10)

As I read those scriptures to the class, I choked up and had trouble keeping my composure.  I testify that God is always with us.  He is very aware of our struggles and of the storms in our lives.  No matter how difficult gender dysphoria gets, I know it's nowhere near what Job experienced.  It's nowhere near what our Savior experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane as he took upon himself the sins and sorrows of the entire world.  As the perfect example of empathy, He knows exactly how I feel when the GD is flaring, because He felt it.  I know God lives and that Christ is our Savior.  If we but stay faithful as Job, we will be blessed beyond measure; if not in this life then in the next.

Like a Lizard - Autotomy

I've been having a lot of attacks in my sleep lately, severe ones. In my semi-conscious brain, it's as if I could pull off my "male member" just as a lizard sheds its tail to protect itself in a process called autotomy. The word autotomy comes from Greek for "self severing", or self amputation. That's pretty much what I'm trying to do in my sleep, just rip it off and hope that it doesn't grow back as a lizard's does.

I thought that only lizards had this capability, but according to Wikipedia, "over 200 species of invertebrates are capable of using autotomy." That's amazing!  There are even two species of mice capable of autotomy - they release skin (including "hair follicles, sweat glands, fur and cartilage") and grow it all back.

In lizards, it's called caudal autotomy. So in my case, would it be called penile autotomy?

Here's a video discussing the red-tailed vanzosaur.

I also found this article that talks about a "simultaneous hermaphrodite" species that autotomizes its penis after copulation.

Memories Growing Up

Sister on mission talking about lipstick and makeup. Wearing lipstick covers lips so they don't get any sun and therefore get lighter and require lipstick for some color.

A friend, H, in elementary told me I looked like a girl because my shirt was hanging off my shoulder. (My shirt was too big as well.)

I played with the girls in school. My friends were girls. I really liked Melissa in first grade.

I wanted to play with dolls but stayed away from them because I was a boy, and boys don't play with dolls.

While at a family reunion campout, my cousin, C had some girl issue. I think she had her period for the first time. It was all hush-hush. Nobody would tell me what was going on. I was about 12.

Throughout High School, I talked with the girls and longed to be in their circles, to giggle with them, hear their stories, cry with them, etc.

Work - Skirts, Blouses, and Heels

About a month ago, when I was told to "Pick One", I started taking two sets of clothes to work. One pair to use after I showered and the other before I walked into my office's building. It was too much, having to change in the porta-potty. So on the Friday before Labor Day, when hardly anybody was going to be at the office, I just kept my skirt and blouse on all day. It was so liberating! I wasn't hiding anymore. The next week, I continued, at first wearing just slacks and a blouse. Then I wore my long skirt. After about a week, my immediate supervisor called me into her office. She (and others) had noticed that my clothing had changed "a little". So we talked about it for a while, she offered her support. It was great. A few days later, both she and her supervisor talked to me together. They had talked to the human resource folks and wanted to again offer their support and figure out how I wanted things to progress. WOW! That was absolutely not the reaction I was expecting. I told them that it was something I've been working on for a few years, that I had even been on hormones and was considering surgery.

I suppose that they sent an email out to everyone else in the office. I had told them I prefer female pronouns. Coworkers have been very accommodating and supportive, using female pronouns. It's so nice to be called ma'am. One coworker is even trying to get me some clothes from a friend of hers. We're working on the bathroom issue; I'm still using the men's. At the time, I thought I'd be okay using the men's bathroom. But now that I'm full time, it's a little awkward. When I met with both supervisors, they just asked that I give them prior notice before switching, that it's up to what I want. So I just need to talk to them again.

I feel so much more accepted, so much more comfortable at work now. My productivity has rocketed through the roof. Instead of wasting days surfing the 'net and writing posts (like I am doing now ;) ), I'm actually getting work done. I even volunteered to be the fitness program coordinator. And I'll be teaching a series of courses on Excel to coworkers. My supervisors and others in the office noticed my Excel proficiency. It's nice that I'm being noticed for positive instead of always negative. The first two years at this job, it seemed like my supervisors were calling me to their office about every week for something I had or hadn't done. It was a frustrating time - the reason I applied and interviewed for a bunch of other positions.

The first couple weeks, I scrambled to get enough clothes. I had only a couple blouses, a couple skirts, and one dress. I was using my wife's flats since I didn't have any shoes of my own. Then (with her consent), I started switching the flats with a pair of her heels. Eventually I got my own heels but could use a couple more pairs of my own shoes. Prior to wearing heels, I thought women were crazy for wearing such awkward and dangerous foot apparel. But oh my! I would wear heels every day if I could! Now I have a couple more skirts, another pair of slacks, and a few more blouses. I still need more clothes (I bought almost everything at a thrift store) and definitely more dresses!

So what's next? Surgery? Out at Church? Out to Family? I really don't know. But for know, this feels what I'm supposed to do. This feels right.

Pick One

I run or ride my bike to work every day. There's a gym right next to my office that I use to clean up. There are two locker rooms and a unisex/handicapped bathroom with shower. I always use the unisex shower but sometimes have to use one of the other two (Men's or Women's). A couple weeks ago, the unisex was occupied. Running late, I decided to use one of the two regular locker rooms. Since I had a shirt and tie in my bag with men's slacks and dress shoes, I used the men's locker room. I tried my hardest to avoid eye contact and just keep to myself. But there's this guy that is always at the gym, just sitting around, wasting time. He made eye contact with me inside the locker room. Not thinking much of it but with my heart rate slightly elevated, I quickly showered (individual stalls with curtains), and put on my clothes in a toilet stall instead of out in the open for everyone to see.  The next day, the unisex bathroom was again occupied. Again, I was running late and couldn't wait for the occupant to finish. But this day, I had female slacks and a definitely female blouse in my bag to change into. So, hoping nobody would notice, I headed to the women's locker room and did pretty much the same thing as the day before. As I was headed to the bathroom stall to put on clothes (with a towel covering my front), the manager of the gym walked past and greeted me. I finished changing and left the locker room. Headed to the exit, the manager stopped me in the middle of the basketball court (thankfully nobody else was in the gym). She had received complaints that I had been seen entering the men's locker room on the first day and the other locker room on the second day. One person's face immediately came to mind: lazy guy. My heart was racing, and I dared not say anything, I dared not betray myself with my very male-timbre/pitched voice. But she wasn't confrontational and asked me to just pick one of the locker rooms and stick with it. Fine with me! I pick women's! 'Cause that's where I belong anyway!

I Can Do Hard Things

I ran a 100-mile race. I ran the Boston marathon and finished in the top 3%. I went through a difficult divorce. I am a parent of two beautiful boys, one of which is nonverbal autistic. I have gender dysphoria. I do all this hard stuff and yet, I believed anybody could all of it and more. What makes me so special? The 100 miler wasn't a huge monumental task but rather, it was just a bit of fun (and craziness some think). So when a friend posted the picture above and this talk on Facebook, it got me thinking. It got me believing in myself.

I have a Honda Fit. I love the car. I love it so much that I slept in it for a few months after the divorce while I was trying to get back on my feet. I've had it for 2 1/2 years. Previously I had a small Toyota that consistently got 43 miles per gallon and never needed work done on it except preventative maintenance that I performed myself. The Fit wasn't quite as economical and has had a little trouble ever since I got it. I first noticed that it would stall when I would put it into neutral after being in fifth gear while the car was still warming up or soon after the cold-engine light had gone off. Not worried too much about it, I did a little research but couldn't figure out what was wrong. The car ran well otherwise and got almost 40 miles per gallon. But over the last year the mpg has decreased even more and the stalling got worse. It would stall even if the car had been sufficiently warm and been running for a while. So I googled some more, did more research. I was pretty sure that the engine valves needed adjusting. Financially, we couldn't afford to have a mechanic do it. So I did the next logical thing, I looked for youtube videos. None were on my particular car, but were very helpful. I found diagrams for my car and studied them. Then after a few weeks of intense research and a search for courage, I bought those gap feelers and proceeded to dismantle the engine to get to the valves.

Up until then, my experience with cars had been oil changes, spark plug replacements, brake jobs, and checking other fluids. I had never considered attempting something so advanced and was scared to do so. But after only a couple hours, I had the valve clearances corrected and the engine all back together. And taking it for a test drive, it didn't stall as I coasted to the light. The RPMs didn't even drop down but remained steady.

In the end, something I thought would be super hard wasn't really that difficult. And I learned that I CAN do HARD things. Before my 100-mile race, I was nervous. I had a huge task ahead of me, but I never doubted I'd be able to finish. I took it one step at a time. I disassembled the engine manifold and reassembled everything one step, one screw at a time. I know that as we "labour and are heavy laden" and take his yoke upon us by following him and learning of him we will accomplish hard things, great things, even if it is one step at a time. (Matthew 11:28-30)