Like a Lizard - Autotomy

I've been having a lot of attacks in my sleep lately, severe ones. In my semi-conscious brain, it's as if I could pull off my "male member" just as a lizard sheds its tail to protect itself in a process called autotomy. The word autotomy comes from Greek for "self severing", or self amputation. That's pretty much what I'm trying to do in my sleep, just rip it off and hope that it doesn't grow back as a lizard's does.

I thought that only lizards had this capability, but according to Wikipedia, "over 200 species of invertebrates are capable of using autotomy." That's amazing!  There are even two species of mice capable of autotomy - they release skin (including "hair follicles, sweat glands, fur and cartilage") and grow it all back.

In lizards, it's called caudal autotomy. So in my case, would it be called penile autotomy?

Here's a video discussing the red-tailed vanzosaur.

I also found this article that talks about a "simultaneous hermaphrodite" species that autotomizes its penis after copulation.

Memories Growing Up

Sister on mission talking about lipstick and makeup. Wearing lipstick covers lips so they don't get any sun and therefore get lighter and require lipstick for some color.

A friend, H, in elementary told me I looked like a girl because my shirt was hanging off my shoulder. (My shirt was too big as well.)

I played with the girls in school. My friends were girls. I really liked Melissa in first grade.

I wanted to play with dolls but stayed away from them because I was a boy, and boys don't play with dolls.

While at a family reunion campout, my cousin, C had some girl issue. I think she had her period for the first time. It was all hush-hush. Nobody would tell me what was going on. I was about 12.

Throughout High School, I talked with the girls and longed to be in their circles, to giggle with them, hear their stories, cry with them, etc.

Work - Skirts, Blouses, and Heels

About a month ago, when I was told to "Pick One", I started taking two sets of clothes to work. One pair to use after I showered and the other before I walked into my office's building. It was too much, having to change in the porta-potty. So on the Friday before Labor Day, when hardly anybody was going to be at the office, I just kept my skirt and blouse on all day. It was so liberating! I wasn't hiding anymore. The next week, I continued, at first wearing just slacks and a blouse. Then I wore my long skirt. After about a week, my immediate supervisor called me into her office. She (and others) had noticed that my clothing had changed "a little". So we talked about it for a while, she offered her support. It was great. A few days later, both she and her supervisor talked to me together. They had talked to the human resource folks and wanted to again offer their support and figure out how I wanted things to progress. WOW! That was absolutely not the reaction I was expecting. I told them that it was something I've been working on for a few years, that I had even been on hormones and was considering surgery.

I suppose that they sent an email out to everyone else in the office. I had told them I prefer female pronouns. Coworkers have been very accommodating and supportive, using female pronouns. It's so nice to be called ma'am. One coworker is even trying to get me some clothes from a friend of hers. We're working on the bathroom issue; I'm still using the men's. At the time, I thought I'd be okay using the men's bathroom. But now that I'm full time, it's a little awkward. When I met with both supervisors, they just asked that I give them prior notice before switching, that it's up to what I want. So I just need to talk to them again.

I feel so much more accepted, so much more comfortable at work now. My productivity has rocketed through the roof. Instead of wasting days surfing the 'net and writing posts (like I am doing now ;) ), I'm actually getting work done. I even volunteered to be the fitness program coordinator. And I'll be teaching a series of courses on Excel to coworkers. My supervisors and others in the office noticed my Excel proficiency. It's nice that I'm being noticed for positive instead of always negative. The first two years at this job, it seemed like my supervisors were calling me to their office about every week for something I had or hadn't done. It was a frustrating time - the reason I applied and interviewed for a bunch of other positions.

The first couple weeks, I scrambled to get enough clothes. I had only a couple blouses, a couple skirts, and one dress. I was using my wife's flats since I didn't have any shoes of my own. Then (with her consent), I started switching the flats with a pair of her heels. Eventually I got my own heels but could use a couple more pairs of my own shoes. Prior to wearing heels, I thought women were crazy for wearing such awkward and dangerous foot apparel. But oh my! I would wear heels every day if I could! Now I have a couple more skirts, another pair of slacks, and a few more blouses. I still need more clothes (I bought almost everything at a thrift store) and definitely more dresses!

So what's next? Surgery? Out at Church? Out to Family? I really don't know. But for know, this feels what I'm supposed to do. This feels right.

Pick One

I run or ride my bike to work every day. There's a gym right next to my office that I use to clean up. There are two locker rooms and a unisex/handicapped bathroom with shower. I always use the unisex shower but sometimes have to use one of the other two (Men's or Women's). A couple weeks ago, the unisex was occupied. Running late, I decided to use one of the two regular locker rooms. Since I had a shirt and tie in my bag with men's slacks and dress shoes, I used the men's locker room. I tried my hardest to avoid eye contact and just keep to myself. But there's this guy that is always at the gym, just sitting around, wasting time. He made eye contact with me inside the locker room. Not thinking much of it but with my heart rate slightly elevated, I quickly showered (individual stalls with curtains), and put on my clothes in a toilet stall instead of out in the open for everyone to see.  The next day, the unisex bathroom was again occupied. Again, I was running late and couldn't wait for the occupant to finish. But this day, I had female slacks and a definitely female blouse in my bag to change into. So, hoping nobody would notice, I headed to the women's locker room and did pretty much the same thing as the day before. As I was headed to the bathroom stall to put on clothes (with a towel covering my front), the manager of the gym walked past and greeted me. I finished changing and left the locker room. Headed to the exit, the manager stopped me in the middle of the basketball court (thankfully nobody else was in the gym). She had received complaints that I had been seen entering the men's locker room on the first day and the other locker room on the second day. One person's face immediately came to mind: lazy guy. My heart was racing, and I dared not say anything, I dared not betray myself with my very male-timbre/pitched voice. But she wasn't confrontational and asked me to just pick one of the locker rooms and stick with it. Fine with me! I pick women's! 'Cause that's where I belong anyway!

I Can Do Hard Things

I ran a 100-mile race. I ran the Boston marathon and finished in the top 3%. I went through a difficult divorce. I am a parent of two beautiful boys, one of which is nonverbal autistic. I have gender dysphoria. I do all this hard stuff and yet, I believed anybody could all of it and more. What makes me so special? The 100 miler wasn't a huge monumental task but rather, it was just a bit of fun (and craziness some think). So when a friend posted the picture above and this talk on Facebook, it got me thinking. It got me believing in myself.

I have a Honda Fit. I love the car. I love it so much that I slept in it for a few months after the divorce while I was trying to get back on my feet. I've had it for 2 1/2 years. Previously I had a small Toyota that consistently got 43 miles per gallon and never needed work done on it except preventative maintenance that I performed myself. The Fit wasn't quite as economical and has had a little trouble ever since I got it. I first noticed that it would stall when I would put it into neutral after being in fifth gear while the car was still warming up or soon after the cold-engine light had gone off. Not worried too much about it, I did a little research but couldn't figure out what was wrong. The car ran well otherwise and got almost 40 miles per gallon. But over the last year the mpg has decreased even more and the stalling got worse. It would stall even if the car had been sufficiently warm and been running for a while. So I googled some more, did more research. I was pretty sure that the engine valves needed adjusting. Financially, we couldn't afford to have a mechanic do it. So I did the next logical thing, I looked for youtube videos. None were on my particular car, but were very helpful. I found diagrams for my car and studied them. Then after a few weeks of intense research and a search for courage, I bought those gap feelers and proceeded to dismantle the engine to get to the valves.

Up until then, my experience with cars had been oil changes, spark plug replacements, brake jobs, and checking other fluids. I had never considered attempting something so advanced and was scared to do so. But after only a couple hours, I had the valve clearances corrected and the engine all back together. And taking it for a test drive, it didn't stall as I coasted to the light. The RPMs didn't even drop down but remained steady.

In the end, something I thought would be super hard wasn't really that difficult. And I learned that I CAN do HARD things. Before my 100-mile race, I was nervous. I had a huge task ahead of me, but I never doubted I'd be able to finish. I took it one step at a time. I disassembled the engine manifold and reassembled everything one step, one screw at a time. I know that as we "labour and are heavy laden" and take his yoke upon us by following him and learning of him we will accomplish hard things, great things, even if it is one step at a time. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Day 28 - Dailies

28) What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don't do it

There are a few things I do on a regular basis. I first started doing these when I started therapy; I just felt I needed these daily tasks to make definitive progress toward recovery. A few months later when I started group therapy, I realized I was already doing "dailies" that our therapist recommended. I started individual therapy in early 2010. In April of that year I attended Wood Badge, a leadership training course for adult leaders in the Boy Scouts of America. That first weekend I brought a notebook and my scriptures along with me. Since my mission both my journal and scripture study were hit and miss. Since that weekend, I have read scriptures and written in my journal nearly every day, missing only a few days per year. Writing in my journal is a type of creative outlet and gives me time to meditate and ponder life, the universe, and everything.

Also as a part of Wood Badge, we set 5 or more goals to complete the course and get our beading award. We had to finish our goals within 18 months to complete our ticket. Some were scouting related and one was a personal goal. For my personal goal, I resolved myself to run a 10 km race under 45 minutes. I knew that I could easily run that fast - if I trained for it. In high school, my fastest 10 km was about 36 minutes. Since my mission I had run about 3 races but hadn't finished under 45 minutes. I knew it would be hard but that I could do it. So I started back into running. There was a field near our house. Running around it, gave me just over two miles. For the first few months, the most I ran was about 15 miles per week. Then, I went to Monterey, CA for work one week. I brought along my bag of female clothing and my running stuff. My longest run in my entire life was about 8 miles, and that was during high school and took about two hours. But during that week in Monterey, I ran 10 miles along the beach a couple times. I couldn't get enough of it; I had to force myself to turn around. Not long after that, I started running with a friend from group therapy. He talked about his marathon running, how he had qualified for Boston and was planning to run it the next year. Our first run together was about 14 miles. I nearly died. I was hooked, and running long distances had become one of my dailies. To finish my goal, the city I lived in had a series of 10 km races. It took me 4 attempts before I ran under 45 minutes. Since then, I've learned how much I need to run on a regular basis. My mood is definitely better on the days I've had a nice run.

Early on, I decided to never run on Sunday. It is a day to worship God. It is true that many of my runs I have felt closer to God than during any sermon at Church. Running in the outdoors, enjoying God's creations is very spiritual for me. But even then, Sunday should be a day of rest from worldly cares and worries, a day to focus on our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There are so many races and training runs that are on Sunday. Sometimes I feel torn. Thankfully, there have been plenty of races on Saturday. For my 100-miler that started early Saturday morning, I did run on Sunday and missed Church. I guess I'll have to run faster next year so that I finish before midnight on Saturday.

I've noticed one other thing that keeps me in check every day. Currently, I'm on 2 mg of estradiol and 50 mg of spironolactone (an anti-androgen). I'm not the best at taking my medicine on a regular basis. I've noticed that when I take my medicine late or completely forget it, that I'm more irritable, angry, depressed, sad, etc. When I started back on hormones, I realized how moody (mainly angry) I was without the hormones. The attacks nearly stopped after the hormones were back in my system, and I slept better.

So in summary, my dailies are:

• Study scriptures
• Write in journal
• Run (4-6 times per week)
• Take medicine (estrogen and spironolactone)

Day 27 - Goals

27) What goals do you have?

Still trying to finish the 30-day challenge. Here's day 27, similar to an earlier post about goals.

• Pay off student loans
• Save up for SRS
• Run and finish the Grand Slam of Ultrarunning
• Run at least two 100-mile races per year
• Get a new job within a year
• Take a cooking class
• Come out to more people

Right now, I'm feeling adrift. I don't know where I'm going. What's next? I'm happily married, bought a house a few months ago, ran my first 100-miler, etc. So, now what? What am I supposed to do next. Maybe it's not about "supposed to" but about what I want to do. Even then though, my mind is still blank. Just stay the course I guess. Continue running. Work on my emotional health. Spend time with family. Work towards SRS.