Center

Over Christmas break, we drove over 3,000 miles to meet my wife's brothers and sisters and to celebrate Christmas. As we were driving through the town of one of her brothers, we were amazed at the Christmas lights at the center of town.  The lights covered the whole town square, neighboring streets, and courthouse/town hall at the center of the square.  It was so beautiful and something we rarely see anymore.  It wasn't a bunch of fast food restaurants and fashionable stores.  It was the courthouse and townhall with an outdoor ampitheater, a war memorial for valiant veterans, benches under shade trees, grass to picnic and play on, and the Ten Commandments on display.

The next day, I ran from our little motel to the center of town and was pondering the lights from the previous night and celebrations of the Christmas season. As I neared the town center, I remembered a lesson from sixth grade. Throughout history towns and villages were built so that the temple or other place of worship is at the center. The teacher asked us why we thought they did that. Why wasn't the market at the center, or the financial institution, or some other business or group of businesses, or a bunch of densely-packed residences? Most of the class answered that it was like a metaphorical focus or center to their lives. I came up with a unique answer, that if the city or fortress were attacked, then the temple would be the last building to get destroyed.  And if by some miracle a resurgence occurred, they could save the temple before the enemy pillaged or tore it down too.

So all of this was going through my mind as I ran down center street USA.  And I wondered a couple things: what happened to the classic setup of a town, why our town centers became shopping malls, and secondly, where was my own, inner center?  What is the focus of my life?

Running does that to me, it gets me to reflect on my own life.  I reflect on how things are going.  Things that need changing.  Things that need adjusting.  Things that are just right. I feel gratitude as I leap over downed trees or across streams.  I feel love for my family, both my running family and my actual family.  As I run through the forest, across the field, or along the river, I feel my heart burst with gratitude for nature and all of Creation.  That is my center: running, God, and family.

So the next question: is my life in alignment with my center?  Another question for another day.

Call Me Grace

My running club recently and secretly announced a new transgender policy. "Announced" is a strong word, perhaps "quietly posted" would be a better term.  I didn't know about it until I went to register for their annual 100-mile race. They had tucked the new policy on the registration page right under the male vs. female indication selection. The club president had sent me a couple emails a couple months prior, but I had heard nothing back, just that they were going to do something. Instead of actually coming up with something on their own, without much research, they decided to adopt the IOC policy which was adopted for the 2004 Olympics in May 2004 and basically requires three things:

1. Legal change of gender
2. SRS
3. Two years of HRT after SRS

So now, I feel that I have to disclose that I'm transgender to everyone. I feel like my privacy has been rudely invaded, and I have no choice other than to just accept it. It sucks. Really sucks.

Well, I came out to my club publicly on the Facebook group page.  The response was overwhelmingly positive and supportive.  Here's my post:

You can call me Grace.

I should have posted this a long time ago.  I'm not one to put myself out there but am completely open and honest if you can get me talking.  And I apologize for the length.  Basically, I'm transgender, and this is the gist of my story.

There's probably been a lot of talk and rumors surrounding me, especially since September when I ran Big Schloss as a female.  So this is my attempt to open the lines of communication and hopefully resolve any misunderstandings and misconceptions.  I'm grateful for all the support and acceptance I've felt from so many club members.  For a long time, I debated even registering as female and thought I'd be content staying in the shadows and running as male.  Then last year, I ran Boston as female.  At such a large event, I was one of thousands and nobody seemed to notice the gender change.  So I went along on my happy way.  For the small, local races I continued registering as male.  I guess that I wasn't ready.  I was content to be female on Strava, gender-neutral on Facebook, and female as passively as possible.  Now though, I'm ready.

My first run with the club was MGM 2013. I had moved from southwest Arizona the year before and had finally found the club.  From Hemlock, I started at the back of the pack and slowly made my way along the river.  I remember passing a few "seasoned" runners (probably the likes of Tom Corris, Gary, Clapper, etc.) while on the rocky section (little did I know that these were mere pebbles compared to the infamous rocks of MMT).  I hadn't cut my hair for over a year, so it was getting pretty long.  From behind they called me Anna (name changed; she's an amazing runner from the area) and said something about me being a fast, real runner.  I just smiled at both comments and continued down the trail.  When I ran Masochist the next year, the same thing happened - they thought I was the lead female at all the aid stations.  Anna (as I understand/remember it), caught up to me near the turn-around at Catoctin because she thought I was female.  (Then, she left me in the dust, finishing nearly 15 minutes ahead of me.)  Part of me rejoiced at being seen as female, but another part of me yearned to register in races and run as such.

When I married my wife over two years ago, she knew everything.  We agreed that together, we'd find our path and exactly how my transition fit into it.  She had never had her own kids, and we both wanted that.  So when the time was right, we worked it in.  Many times I have asked why I was born with this body.  Every time I've asked, I've felt that only I could father these three beautiful boys.  Only my genes.  As much as I want to be a mother in every way, I can't.  I am these children's father.  I am proud to be their father and rejoice in the title of daddy.  Sure I'd like to be mommy, but that just ain't gonna happen.  And I won't ask them to call me that either.

I grew up in a conservative and very-sheltered Mormon home.  Things like this weren't talked about.  So I learned to shove everything down, deep inside.  Eventually it blew up, and at about the same time, thankfully, I found ultra- and trail-running.  My life would be very different  and dismal without running in it.  Like the great Emil Zatopek, I have three great loves: God and country, my family, and running.  I embrace, support, and actively participate with my church even though it is struggling with how to handle this part of me and of others like me.

As for my name and pronouns.  You can call me whatever you want.  Crazy, fast, mental, weird, etc.  That is your right.  That is part of this great country.  I avoid confrontation almost at all costs.  That is why I haven't been vocal about my new name and preferred gender.  I do prefer you call me Grace and use female pronouns.  I won't have an anxiety attack and start demanding you apologize or change your beliefs if you or someone uses male pronouns or calls me by my old name.  For those that want to use my preferred pronouns, I understand it may take some time, and no apology is needed.  After all, that has been my name for over three and a half decades, and I'm somewhat attached.

There's a lot more to my story.  Ask me about it some time on a long run, and we can really get into it if you want.  Or feel free to ask me any questions, and I'll most likely answer them, perhaps in private.  Or send me a private message, and I can hook you up with my blog.

Happy Trails,
~Grace